How did we survive?

Marcellus's birthday was 12 days ago, which means today is that day.

His birthday is and always will be a reason to celebrate. What a happy and joyous day October 28th, 2011 was in our lives. We were meeting our firstborn son for the very first time. Although we were scared of the unknown of the NICU and having a preemie, we were absolutely on top of the world. I will forever celebrate the day my sweet boy was born.

But today, today is the anniversary of his death. It marks what can only be described as the most awful, horrible, difficult day...that we somehow lived through. I thought my heart would stop beating right along with his, that I would die when he did, that my world would end when his life on this earth ended. But somehow we have survived. I am here, still standing, still living two years later.

Two years...two years since I held my baby boy with life in him. Two years ago he slipped away from us. Two damn years. And today, two years later...I hurt. I ache. I yearn. I wonder what might have been if this day didn't represent what it does. 

Overall I have been enjoying life lately. Always missing Marcellus, always wishing he where here, always aching for him. But I have figured out a way to do both...to be happy and grieve at the same time. But not today. Today I just grieve. I will do what I need to go get through today. I will do my best for Ethan today and take care of him as I would any other day. In fact, I have been squeezing him tighter, kissing him more, telling him how much I love him and his brother every few minutes. But I hate today. I will not pretend life is good today. Today sucks. 

But for some reason we survived that day two years ago even though Marcellus didn't. I still don't understand it, I'm sure I never will. How does a parent go on after their child dies? I will never be able to answer that question with anything other than, "you just do" even though we have. I don't know how. But it's not like we were given a choice. 



Marcellus Robert, my sweet baby boy...I miss you and love you so very much. I can't believe it's been two years since that horrible, awful day. You fought so hard, so very hard. You are forever my little warrior. I know you wanted to stay and I am so proud of you. But I can't believe what happened to you that day. I can't believe I held you, my beautiful baby in my arms, as your little heart stopped beating. If you had to die though, in a way I am thankful I was there to hold you through it. To tell you how much I love you as your beautiful soul left this earth. I hope I brought you some comfort that day. As your mother that is the most important thing I did for you...to be there for you that day...that horrible, awful day. I love you right up to the moon and back always and forever! xoxox