Those people

Somehow Ethan's bedtime has gotten pushed way back. He is staying up until between 9 and 10pm every night. In fact, right now he is still up (at 9:45pm). When E stays up so late it doesn't leave for much downtime. By the time he goes to sleep I'm usually heading to bed shortly after. Mike is in there with him now though and I can hear E blabbering.

I sat down at the computer to upload some pictures of Ethan. I posted some from Easter (when I wrote my Easter post), but haven't posted any since (including the remaining ones from Easter). As my computer turned on, this picture popped up and let's just say pictures of Ethan aren't getting uploading again tonight.

It didn't surprise me to see this picture. It's the background picture on my computer and I see it all the time. But tonight I just stared at it as it loaded. Like really stared at it. And now I'm thinking "who are those people?" Those people with that beautiful little baby boy. Those people that have no idea that 11 days later their world would be destroyed.

Have I written something like this before? I feel like I have, but the feeling is strong again. I often don't recognize myself in pictures from before Marcellus died. I feel like I can't connect with that person.

I look at that picture and I think those people are so naive. They have no idea what can happen. And we didn't. We had no idea. I want to know what it's like again to be those people.

Dear Marcellus, I miss you. I miss being your mommy like I was in that picture. I mean, I am your mommy and always will be your mommy. Nothing in the universe, including your death, can change that. But I want to go back to being your mommy with you here. With you in my arms. I want to go back. I love you my squirmy wormy. My little mister. My first born son. I love you so very very much! xoxox.