When I really think about it...

When I really think about it, it takes my breath away.

When I really think about it, I my heart can feel the same pain in those million tiny pieces it broke into that day.

When I really think about it, my head spins with confusion.

When I really really really think about it I think I'll never breath again.

When I really really really think about it my heart feels like it may stop beating completely.

When I really really really think about it my head, well my head just might explode.

And when I really really really think about it...actually, I just can't. I just can't think about it to that degree. Could you?

My mind, body and soul cannot comprehend living a life where my son is no longer here, where I held his tiny body as he took his last breath and his heart stopped beating. But yet, here I am living that life.

I have to tell myself it is what it is and keep on living day to day. To think about the fact that he was here. The joy is little life brought and brings me. The love I have for him. That I am his mother, forever will be, Marcellus's Mommy. Death cannot take that away from me. 

Dear Marcellus, your death took so much with it. But yet, your life brought so much joy and love into ours. And while your death is the most awful, horrible thing that has happened to us, your life is still one of the most beautiful. Death cannot take away what you brought into this world, what you gave to me, your momma. I will forever be your momma my sweet boy. Forever and ever and always. And as your momma I love you, miss you, ache for you every single day. xoxox.