The night

The night is when the thoughts creep in, no longer blocked by they busyness of the day. The quiet, the dark, giving space to these thoughts. My body is still, but the busyness now moved to my mind. Thoughts of what you ask? Oh pretty much of everything. But most importantly always of him. The night when my body is still and my thoughts are racing is always when I wonder about him. What would he look like, who would he be? Who would I be if he were here? Imagining the space he would take up in bed. Thinking of those dark deep beautiful eyes on that itty bitty 3 lb baby. What color would they be now? Thoughts of him pop in my head throughout the day. He is always there, just as my living children are. But the night, the night is our time. Time for all my thouhhts to eventually focus on him. And so I don't sleep because sometimes I do just want that time to imagine him. And so tonight as every night, I think of him, Marcellus Robert, my firstborn son.

Dear Marcellus, I think of you so often. Really, every night before I go to sleep I think of you one way or another. I wonder so much about what you would be like. Such a brave and deep soul during your 12 days on Earth. Some nights I can invision you laying next to me. I imagine you long and lanky. Your eyes wouldn't have stayed so dark, but they always would have been deep. Oh my love, how I wish you really could lay next to me even just for one night. I love you so much!!! xoxox