Brothers

I want to get a "Little Brother" outfit for Ethan. I've been meaning to for a long time, but I don't want just any plain thing that says "little brother" on it. I want it to be super cute and special. So, I went looking on Etsy for just the right shirt.

Turns out when you search for a shirt that says "little brother" on it, most people assume you have an older brother (or sister) to put a big brother (or sister) shirt on. Most sellers had listings for pairs. When that popped up, my heart sank. The little brother is here, but there is no big brother in this house to wear a matching shirt.

So what do you do when the big brother is not here? Do I skip over all the listings for the little/big pair? Do I go ahead and order a shirt for Marcellus for the size he would be now and let the seller think I have two adorable little boys at home? Do I order a little baby sized big brother one, because Marcellus will always be our baby? But then I'd have to explain to the seller why I'm ordering a little brother one that is a size bigger than the big brother one.

They are brothers, but they do not get to do brother things. I do not get to take them out or get photos of them in their big/little shirts. I don't get to know the exhaustion of having two boys just 13 1/2 months apart. They will never wrestle or destroy the house together, driving me absolutely crazy. They'll never fight over their toys, who will sit where, or who gets to use what cup.

My two boys, brothers, separated by death before little brother was even here.

My sister and I are about 20 months apart. And although we didn't always get along growing up, I can't imagine not having her to grow up with. We are close now as adults and my heart aches that Ethan will never have the chance to have any of that with his brother.

When people see us with Ethan do they think of him as an only child? Strangers especially would have no idea that he's not. They think my family is of size 3 when in fact there are 4 of us. Someday when Ethan is older and people ask him if he has an siblings, what will he say? He has a brother that is, yet isn't.

When I first announced Ethan's pregnancy, I started another blog and said I would keep this blog as Marcellus's only. But 1) I can't keep up with two blogs right now and 2) Being Marcellus's mommy now means also being Ethan's mommy. So, I have accepted that while this is still mine and Marcellus's space, I will be okay writing about Ethan when I need to. After all, they are brothers and they are forever connected that way. I can not keep them separate.

Here's a song I sing to Ethan that includes Marcellus too:

Mommy loves Ethan. Mommy loves Ethan. Ethan Michael Lennon.
Mommy loves Marcellus. Mommy loves Marcellus. Marcellus Robert Lennon.
Mommy loves her boys, her two little boys. Ethan and Marcellus.
Big brother, Marcellus. Little brother, Ethan.
Mommy loves her boys!

Marcellus at 6 days old

Ethan at 8 days old

Marcellus, you are such a wonderful big brother. Ethan will always know how much you love him and how much Daddy and I love you. I know he will always love you too. You are both so special and I am so thankful to have both of my little boys. What would you and Ethan be like together? My boys, "my two little boys." I love you both more than I can ever explain! I miss you, my sweet boy, our family's big brother!!! xoxox