Big brother

Dear Marcellus,

I know you already know this because you're the first Daddy and I told. Plus you probably already knew before we did. I haven't written to you about it yet though, so even though you already know, I'll tell you again. YOU'RE A BIG BROTHER!

From the moment you died, Daddy and I have said you will always be the big brother in our family. No matter what, this baby and all your other little brothers and sisters will know about their big brother. About you my sweet boy. You are and always will be such an important part of this family. And they will know you are the best big brother ever! 

You're little brother or sister is due to arrive mid March. Mommy and Daddy are very excited and very scared all at the same time. It's very different than when we were pregnant with you. Not only are we scared that something will happen to Beamer (your little sibling's nickname), but we are also missing you just as much if not more every moment of every day. We are exited though. We are excited to be adding to our family. That you are a big brother. That you will be a part of Beamer's life, even though you are not on this earth. We are excited to hopefully bring Beamer home, do the things with Beamer that we didn't get to do with you. But that also makes Momma sad. Makes me realize more and more how much we're missing with you. How I should instead have you here, 10 months old, in your "Big Brother" shirt instead of writing it in chalk at your grave (which by the way, sorry it's so muddy in your picture, they had just planted grass seed when we were there). We got to be there and tell you at your spot just a couple of days after we found out.

I miss you squirmy wormy. I miss you so much. No matter how happy having Beamer here will make us, it will never take away the hurt of you not being here. It will not make your death okay. It will in a way make me miss you more. I will always look at our family and know you are missing, see exactly where you would be. No matter how many little brothers and sisters you have, our family will never be complete on this earth. Only when we are reunited in Heaven will our entire family be together. And that's hard baby boy. That's so hard.

I want you to know this is still your little place on the internet. Our special place. Where I can come and talk about YOU and how much I miss YOU and what it's like to be YOUR mommy. There are times I will write about this pregnancy, about Beamer. Because now being your mommy is being the mommy of a big brother in Heaven. There are many things I feel now about being pregnant and about Beamer and things that come up that are very much related to you and to grief. Those times I will write here, on your blog. I hope you understand that.

I hope you are excited to now be a big brother because Beamer is so lucky to have you as a big brother!  I just wish we could all be together sweet boy. Mommy, Daddy, Marcellus and Beamer. My family of four. The three of us down here on earth all love you so very very much! xoxox

So yes, we are expeting our rainbow.

What is a rainbow baby?
A "rainbow baby" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

Like I said to Marcellus, this is his blog. About him and my journey as his mommy. I have started another blog, Briging Home Beamer (because hopefully that's what we'll be doing!). So far I have only written one post there about the day we found out. You can read that post to see where the nickname Beamer comes from. Here's what I wrote about why we use it.

"I never like saying "the baby" for this pregnancy, because Marcellus is still our baby too. We now have two babies. I will sometimes say  "this baby," but most often we do use the nickname Beamer when talking about or to our newest family member."

I will be going back and writing on Beamer's blog about the doctor's appointments and other things we've had/done up until this point. I'm just a little behind. So this one time I will update here how things are going. At 12 weeks 1 day, everything is going perfectly with Beamer. In the future I will only write about the pregnancy and Beamer when related and connected to being Marcellus's mommy and grief.

So if you are a fellow grieving parent reading Marcellus's blog, I hope you will continue to do so. I know I found it hard, especially in the early days of grief, to read about any pregnancy, even of a rainbow.

I do also want to note that I will most likely be making Beamer's blog private. I want to keep Beamer's blog beyond pregnancy. I want to be able to post pictures and talk about things we do with Beamer. I'm paranoid about having that be public. Really I'm worried about someone stealing Marcellus's pictures from this blog too. But no one can hurt Marcellus. When I do make Beamer's blog private, you'll just need to email me, mommyandmarcellus@gmail.com, and I will send you an invite to be a reader. You can even email me now and I will add you as soon as I switch it over. Thanks for your interest in knowing about both of my babies.