Birthdays will always give me a complex. Birthdays are a time of celebration. But for the rest of my life celebrating will be bittersweet.
Tomorrow is my turn to celebrate, to celebrate my 28th birthday. How do you fully celebrate having lived through another year, when your first born son only lived 12 days? How do you let the joy of having been blessed with time on this earth spent with your husband, second son, and many family and friends when your first born son's body is buried in the ground.
I've been pregnant for three of my birthdays. My 17th (about 28 weeks with Angela), my 26th (about 20 weeks with Marcellus) and my 27th (about 12 weeks with Ethan). But tomorrow, my 28th birthday, is the first one I will celebrate with a baby here with me, outside of my womb. It's the first birthday I will wake up to the most wonderful things known as slobbery baby "kisses". And I am so thankful for that. I am so blessed for that. I am so excited to be celebrating my birthday with my E. My smiley, happy, face grabbing, lovey, kissy baby. I am looking forward to hearing Mike say the words, "Happy birthday, Mommy!" while looking into the eyes of my handsome baby boy. My first birthday real mommy birthday. True, I was a mom last year on my birthday. True, I was a mom before that too. True, I spent three birthdays with a babe in my womb. But this year. This year will be different. This year there is a baby here to breastfeed and diapers to change. I'm sure I'll use the excuse it's my birthday to pass on all the diaper changes to Mike for the day (really he changes most diapers when he's home anyway). This year I'll need a birthday pass to sleep in because I'm sure I'll be up in the night with Ethan. And I love all of that. I love that part of my life. I love it so much. Those things bring me such joy. Such a reason to celebrate living another year on this earth.
But I miss Marcellus. And sometimes celebrating still just doesn't feel completely right. I want him here too. I want toddler kisses too. I want to snuggle both my boys on my birthday. I want to hear Marcellus say, "Happy birthday, Mommy!" Instead I hurt, I hurt for him. And a part of me wants to throw a tantrum and so, no. No celebrating! No birthday! Just no. None of this because my squirmy wormy isn't here.
I have to fight that sometimes. Fight the feelings of shutting down. Of not taking in my life. I do have reason to celebrate and part of that is to celebrate myself as Marcellus's Mommy. I still might throw a bit of that tantrum tonight though. It needs to come out.
Marcellus, I miss you so very much. My birthday wish will forever be to have you here with me. What would you pick out for me? Would you and Daddy make a homemade card with your beautiful little scribbles all over it? Would you crawl in bed and snuggle next to me in the morning (or maybe you'd already be in bed with us)? How would your little voice sound telling me happy birthday? I'll never know that sound of that sweet voice. I only know your cry and your precious little squeaks. Tomorrow will be bittersweet my sweet boy. It will be marked with your absence. Every day is marked with your absence, but days of celebration it penetrates more deeply. I also feel like my birthday means yours is just around the corner, less than two months. Mommy's turning 28 and you, my sweet boy, would be approaching turning 2. Two...another year without you. I long for you, I ache for you, I miss you, and I love your right up to the moon and back! xoxox