Tuesday, September 26, 2017

The night

The night is when the thoughts creep in, no longer blocked by they busyness of the day. The quiet, the dark, giving space to these thoughts. My body is still, but the busyness now moved to my mind. Thoughts of what you ask? Oh pretty much of everything. But most importantly always of him. The night when my body is still and my thoughts are racing is always when I wonder about him. What would he look like, who would he be? Who would I be if he were here? Imagining the space he would take up in bed. Thinking of those dark deep beautiful eyes on that itty bitty 3 lb baby. What color would they be now? Thoughts of him pop in my head throughout the day. He is always there, just as my living children are. But the night, the night is our time. Time for all my thouhhts to eventually focus on him. And so I don't sleep because sometimes I do just want that time to imagine him. And so tonight as every night, I think of him, Marcellus Robert, my firstborn son.

Dear Marcellus, I think of you so often. Really, every night before I go to sleep I think of you one way or another. I wonder so much about what you would be like. Such a brave and deep soul during your 12 days on Earth. Some nights I can invision you laying next to me. I imagine you long and lanky. Your eyes wouldn't have stayed so dark, but they always would have been deep. Oh my love, how I wish you really could lay next to me even just for one night. I love you so much!!! xoxox

Saturday, September 2, 2017

The time between

The other day was my birthday. On Aug 31 I turned 32. It was a fun happy day celebrating with people I love. We had family time during the day and I spent that evening with some wonderful friends.

But after my birthday every year the dread starts to creep in. It's like the corner is turned on the countdown to Marcellus's birthday. After all, it is the next birthday to be celebrated in our family.

Less than two months and he would be 6. Less than two months until one of the happiest and scariest days of my life when I gave birth to my first preemie at 28 weeks 5 days. Less than two months until I first heard the words "It's a boy!" Less than two months until I witnessed the transformation in my husband as he became a father. Less than two months to prepare myself for the emotional whirlwind that is remembering my first born son on his birthday and then grieving his death 12 days later.

The temps have cooled a bit. Fall is peaking from around the corner. And it's becoming his time of year. The pumpkins will come out, the mums, the leaves will change, the State Fair, Halloween approaching. Everything that makes me think of him. Even the pumpkin spice lattes. I was pretty strict about no caffeine when pregnant with Marcellus, but one day did splurge on a regular pumpkin spice latte. It kept me up that night.

And I'll try to relish in my favorite season of the year. But my heart will ache with the anticipation of his birthday approaching. A birthday to celebrate. To celebrate that day six years ago and that little 3lb 2oz boy we met and instantly knew we'd give the world to. And we tried, we tried to give him the world. But it wasn't enough to keep him alive. Our love was not enough. Our pleading our desperation was not enough. So in less than two months we will celebrate the little boy that should be turning 6, but is not here.

Dear Marcellus, your birthday is approaching quickly. I'm not sure what we'll do this year, but know we will keep our regular traditions. We will have carrot cake for you. We will pick out a toy and donate it to Toys for Tots. We will share your story, talk about your birth. We will let people know it's hard. It's really hard to have your birthday come every year without you. Another year that separates the time since I have held you. But through it all we will most importantly share our love for you. Share what you have given us and what you have taught us. We will show the world that your life matters. It sucks, baby boy, it sucks so damn much not to have you here. Not to know what cake you would really want for your birthday. What you'd be into and I'd be scrambling to buy at the last minute because I always do things at the last minute. Would you want a big party or something small? We'll never know. Love you my squirmy wormy. I love you with all my heart and miss you with every ounce of my being! xoxox.