Sunday, November 23, 2014

Coming up for air

I don't know how many posts I've written in the past that say something along the lines of, "I need to write more." But it's still true. I need to write here more. Or write more in general. You can see by the number of posts that I relied on this blog so heavily in the beginning. And how they trailed off drastically after Ethan was born and even more so when I went back to work.

I have more responsibilities than grief now. In the beginning my only responsibility was as Marcellus's mommy and that meant my only responsibility was grieving.

Now my other responsibilities have taken the forefront. And I suppose they should. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't still grief. That doesn't mean I don't need to still grieve. I am very much still grieving. I don't know why I'm saying the word still, I will forever be grieving.

Right now, somehow, I have a moment to come up for air. A moment where I'm not running after Ethan (he's napping) or working (I'm prepped for tomorrow, only give a test on Tuesday and then it's break).

A moment to say hey, how the hell is it the end of November. How did Marcellus's birthday and anniversary come and go and we survived again?!? How have I not written about his birthday or write around his anniversary, how did I just keep on going along?!? How is the holiday season right upon us?!? Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years. The answer is simple, there has not been time. And if there has been time, I honestly haven't had the energy to write. Let it out. Do the grieving that is there to do.

My life right now has almost every moment full of other responsibility. Those responsibilities wear me thin enough that when I may have an open moment, I have no air for my grieving.

Don't get me wrong, I am overall enjoying my life right now. I just need to work on having a better balance. I don't know if that's possible at the moment. And I guess I'm okay with that. I have accepted that. It won't be like this forever. Ethan won't need me so much one day. Mike will graduate in May leaving us both with more spare time. For now, Mike and I work while Ethan naps and sometimes after bedtime to minimize the amount of time he is outside of our care. For now, Ethan wakes at night and needs his momma. For now, the house is in constant need of picking up. For now, the only spare time is spent doing outings as a family. And that's okay.

Part of where I am at in my grief is making sure I am fully present with Ethan. Marcellus has taught me I mus try my best not to let a single moment go by without being aware. Those moments you can't get back. I can't get back any of the time I wish I had been with Marcellus or more present next to his bedside. I will never get any of it back.

My grief will wait. It will wait the six months until life slows down a bit. I'll be more able to deal with it then. For now, I'll try to come up for air just a little more often though.

Marcellus, I hope you don't feel shoved aside. It's not like that at all. You are always there. Always here with me. Always on my mind. Always filling my heart. It's just that other things need my immediate attention. I do wish I had more time to write. More time to actively grieve right now. More time and energy to shed the built up tears for you. More time to do things in your name. Some day my love. Some day I'll have more time. I love you, my squirmy wormy. I love you! I love you! I love you!!! xoxox.