Grief Math

 Nine days until his 12th birthday. 

12 - the number of days he was alive
12 - the number of years without him

Make it make sense that he's now been gone the same number of years as the number of days he was alive.

12 x 365 + 3 - 21 = 4,362

12 years
365 days in a year
3 leap years
21 days until the anniversary of his death

All brings me to 4,362 days without him. 

Multiplying by every year that passes by to mark the increasing number of days since he's been gone. 
But the number of days he was alive will always be 12. 

12 exciting days
12 nerve-wracking days
12 beautiful days
12 love-filled days
12 intense days
1 worst day of my life. 

All for you

Note: I wrote this sitting at an overlook off the Blue Ridge Parkway admiring the fall leaves. 

This is such a beautiful time of year.
As I sit at an overlook on the parkway,
with tourists here just to get a peep of these colors,
These colors we live so close to

I contemplate your upcoming birthday
The excitement that should be abounding
The grief in it's place instead.

The beauty of this life is so vast,
But the pain remains so deep. 
The ache within my soul 
That follows me everywhere. 

The contrast
Of such sorrow with joy. 

I soak in the view of these mountains
So colorful
Trying to reach for some serenity
In a moment of turmoil. 

I want to feel peace
To feel calm
To feel full
But in this moment I feel, 
Broken.

Broken by your absence
Yet full of love,
For you

And love for more
But this is about you
My babe
Forever my 12 day old babe. 

For you
Your deep dark eyes
Your softest of soft hair
Your skin against mine

This is for you and
The space you left behind, 
In my heart, 
In this world, 
In our family. 

Always a space
Where you should be.

How to wrap up these thoughts? 
I'm unsure
I could continue on forever 
With this dialogue to you

Forever expressing
My love
My grief
For you...

All for you,
All for you,
Marcellus Robert.