Sunday, July 14, 2013

I should have done this before

As I was just nursing Ethan to get him down for a nap, my heart started to ache. He is having a little bit of a rough moment with a tummy troubles and not sleeping well last night. But nursing with Mommy makes everything all better. He snuggled in at my breast, closed his eyes, and held my hand. In these sweet and tender moments, I am in awe that he is my child and he is here. Mike and I often say, "I can't believe he's our baby." Today that awe feeling was followed by an overwhelming longing for his big brother. I should have had moments like these before. I should have had them with Marcellus. So as Ethan drifted to sleep while nursing I did my best to hold back the tears. As soon as he was asleep I nestled his head on my shoulder, rocked him while holding him tight and let the tears flow. The tears that I still hold inside for his big brother.

The ache that I couldn't make it all better for Marcellus. The ache that he never got to breastfeed him. The ache that the only time I got to rock my sweet baby boy was in the funeral home. The ache, the hole in my heart that even my precious rainbow can't fill.

All of these moments we experience with Ethan, we should have had them with Marcellus first. All the moments to come with Ethan, we should have had with Marcellus first. Some days that realizations hits harder than others. Like today. A quiet, beautiful moment with my second born son left me longing and aching so much for my first born son.

Marcellus, I miss you so much my sweet boy. I long for everything that isn't. I long for you, for those precious moments with you. Your little brother can't take that away, nor would I want him to. I will long and ache for you for the rest of my life. Nothing can replace you. The hole left in my heart when you died will always be there. I miss you! I can't say it enough how much I miss you. How bad I want you here with me. With us, my whole family together. Instead we are separated by heaven and earth. And it sucks. Yes, your little brother brings me such joy. But it sucks and it hurts that you are not here to be a part of that. As much as I miss you and as much as it hurts, I still have joy in being your mommy too though. I would never give up being your mommy. You are my first born son, you are the big brother to this family. I love you just as I love your brother. I love you! I love you! I love you! xoxox.