Sunday, April 28, 2013

18 months

18 months, my baby boy would be 18 months today. 1 1/2 years.

The first year each time the 28th rolled around it was like a knife in my heart. I very acutely felt those monthly birthdays. Then at some point, the 28th started to come and go with a little more ease. There hasn't been a month where I haven't acknowledge that it's the 28th. It's just not as intense as it once was. But 18 months, that's a big one.

What would he big like? How big would he be? What would he think if his little brother? What would he be into? Questions that have no answers, only speculations. Questions that make my heart ache. Questions I wish I didn't have to ask.

Really, overall today was a good day. We had waffles for breakfast, I went to a baby shower for a friend's rainbow baby, and we took Ethan to his first playdate with a NICU friend. But that didn't stop my mind from asking those questions, that didn't stop my heart from longing for my first son, that didn't close the whole left in my family.

18 months. 1 1/2 years. My baby boy would be less like a baby and getting to be more like a toddler. I miss him. I miss him so very much.

Dear Marcellus, it's your half birthday! I miss you. I ache for you. I love you. I just want you here with us. With your dad, baby brother, and I. I want us all to be together. Our family is incomplete. Forever incomplete without you here. We all love you so much. Daddy and I tell your brother all about you. I'm sorry I haven't written to you more. I'm sorry I don't talk to you more. I'm sorry I haven't been doing as much for you. That doesn't mean I love you any less. I still love you just as strong as I did the day you were born. That wonderful marvelous day 18 months ago. My heart felt complete that day my sweet boy. That day you taught me so very much about love. You continue to teach me about love. I love you with all I have, my little squirmy wormy. I love you, I love you, I love you!!! xoxox

Saturday, April 6, 2013


I miss him. And tonight my heart is really hurting. There's always an ache in my heart for my sweet baby boy, but tonight it really hurts. Sometimes the extreme hurt comes out of nowhere, sometimes there's a trigger, and sometimes it's a bit of a combination with an unexpected trigger.

Tonight it was an unexpected trigger for me. As I was laying on the floor with Ethan, I was staring at a large box of size 1 Pampers diapers that are under his changing area. Diapers that were bought for Marcellus. We are cloth diapering with Ethan and had planned to do the same with Marcellus, but my dad and stepmom didn't now that. When my mom and sister drove from MN when Marcellus was born they sent them with. A large box of size ones, size twos and size threes. Never imagining Marcellus wouldn't live long enough to wear anything but preemie diapers.

Even though we were going to cloth diaper we knew it would be helpful to have some disposables on hand, for when 'i got behind on diaper laundry, for when we were out and about, for when we ha a babysitter. So, we kept them.      

I wrote the above last night. Then Ethan needed to be fed and I didn't get back to this post until now.

I remember those diapers just sitting in the room after Marcellus died. Diapers he would never use. Diapers that signified such hope. Hope that my baby boy was going to get out of that NICU. That he was going to get out of preemie diapers, grow past newborn diapers and then need those sizes 1-3. We didn't know what to do with them. I didn't have the energy to figure it out, so they went in the closest tucked away. When Ethan came home, we got the size ones out. Like I said we are cloth diapering, but it's nice to have some disposables on hand. He's not in size one yet. Or maybe he is, we haven't needed to use disposables in awhile. I bet he would fit in size one. He outgrew his preemie diapers. He outgrew newborn diapers.

Why couldn't Marcellus? Why can't it be an opened box of diapers from when we used a handful with Marcellus saving the rest for his little brother? Why does it have to be an unopened box of diapers for my little boy who never had a chance to use them? Those questions made my heart ache last night and my mind race. I squeezed Ethan tight and cried for his brother. Telling my little boy here how much I miss the one that's not.

Marcellus, I didn't know the diapers would cause such a reaction in me. But staring at that unopened big box of diapers brought me back to when we got them. When we brought them into the house and how we talked about if we were even going to need them. We knew Grandpa and Grandma weren't aware that we were going to cloth diaper and we were very appreciative of their gift (which included your blankie). I wish we had a chance to find out if we would have needed to open those boxes for you. Would you be in those size threes now? I would give anything to change your dirty diapers. To have you here. I miss you so much baby boy. Some days I really can't believe you're not here. It's all so unreal sometimes. But my love for you is as real as it gets. I love you so much. So so so very much. xoxox.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Second Easter without him

Yesterday was Easter. We really didn't do anything special. Mike had to work and with Ethan being a preemie, we couldn't go anywhere. But even though we didn't do much, it was still another holiday without Marcellus here. This year he would have been 17months old. This year, he could have hunted for Easter eggs.

But I didn't get to watch my son oh and ah over the pretty colored eggs nor help him hunt for Easter eggs nor see him getting excited over a chocolate bunny. Those were the traditions we had hoped to start. Those are the things we had hoped to do. Instead the only tradition we did this year was get Marcellus white tulips like we did last year. That's the tradition we started. White tulips for a little boy that isn't here. We will get them every year. Ethan will know they are for his brother.

Next year when Ethan is old enough to enjoy some of the Easter festivities we will put out Easter baskets. We didn't this year. I still wasn't up for it. And there will be one for Marcellus. We plan to fill it just like we would Ethan's. Fill it with candy that my first born son will never eat. But I want him included. I want him to be as much of a part of every holiday as I can make him. And that can take some creativity because he isn't here.

Holidays will now forever be so very bittersweet. We have Ethan here to celebrate them with, but Marcellus isn't. Having one son to hunt for eggs with does not take away the ache that the other is not here to help his little brother (or steal his eggs). So for this year I just couldn't make a big deal out of it.

And yesterday really wasn't so bad. Other than the white tulips in the house and Ethan's "My First Easter" onesie, it was like any other day. There wasn't even any crying. Although, we had a difficult moment the night before. Missing our boy. Mike and I both. There has been such a serious mix having Ethan home. I have more to write on that. But for now I just reflect on another Easter come and gone. Another holiday missing Marcellus.

I can't really even touch on the religious part of Easter right now. We didn't even think about going to church because of Ethan being a preemie. All those people make it too risky to bring him. But honestly, even if he could have gone, I don't think we would have. I'm really struggling there. Really angry. Things I thought I had worked on and made progress on that I am battling with again. That in itself is yet another post.

I hate this. I hate that there are many more Easters without Marcellus. I hate that Ethan will never have his big brother to hunt for eggs with. I hate that Ethan will never wear Marcellus's hand-me-down Easter clothes. I hate that my two boys won't argue over who gets to use which colors during dying eggs. I hate that I have a reason to buy white tulips. I hate that I have to struggle to find ways to include and honor Marcellus. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Thank you Gabriel's Garden for giving me one thing to do for Marcellus this Easter.
Ethan with his big brother's tulips.

Marcellus, I wonder what it would have been like to try to do an Easter egg hunt with you. Would you have been into it, walking hand in hand with your momma trying to find the pretty eggs? Or would you still have been a bit too young to care much about it? One thing I'm sure of is that you would have loved your chocolate! Daddy always says Easter has the best candy. I wonder what your favorite Easter candy would be. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder. All I can do is wonder what it would be like. I just want to know. I just want to have you here so I know what it's like, what you'd be like. I've been trying to picture you a lot lately. What would you be like? I miss you my little love. I miss you so very much. Happy Easter my squirmy wormy. Mommy loves you! xoxox