Sunday, April 28, 2013

18 months

18 months, my baby boy would be 18 months today. 1 1/2 years.

The first year each time the 28th rolled around it was like a knife in my heart. I very acutely felt those monthly birthdays. Then at some point, the 28th started to come and go with a little more ease. There hasn't been a month where I haven't acknowledge that it's the 28th. It's just not as intense as it once was. But 18 months, that's a big one.

What would he big like? How big would he be? What would he think if his little brother? What would he be into? Questions that have no answers, only speculations. Questions that make my heart ache. Questions I wish I didn't have to ask.

Really, overall today was a good day. We had waffles for breakfast, I went to a baby shower for a friend's rainbow baby, and we took Ethan to his first playdate with a NICU friend. But that didn't stop my mind from asking those questions, that didn't stop my heart from longing for my first son, that didn't close the whole left in my family.

18 months. 1 1/2 years. My baby boy would be less like a baby and getting to be more like a toddler. I miss him. I miss him so very much.

Dear Marcellus, it's your half birthday! I miss you. I ache for you. I love you. I just want you here with us. With your dad, baby brother, and I. I want us all to be together. Our family is incomplete. Forever incomplete without you here. We all love you so much. Daddy and I tell your brother all about you. I'm sorry I haven't written to you more. I'm sorry I don't talk to you more. I'm sorry I haven't been doing as much for you. That doesn't mean I love you any less. I still love you just as strong as I did the day you were born. That wonderful marvelous day 18 months ago. My heart felt complete that day my sweet boy. That day you taught me so very much about love. You continue to teach me about love. I love you with all I have, my little squirmy wormy. I love you, I love you, I love you!!! xoxox

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