Saturday, April 6, 2013


I miss him. And tonight my heart is really hurting. There's always an ache in my heart for my sweet baby boy, but tonight it really hurts. Sometimes the extreme hurt comes out of nowhere, sometimes there's a trigger, and sometimes it's a bit of a combination with an unexpected trigger.

Tonight it was an unexpected trigger for me. As I was laying on the floor with Ethan, I was staring at a large box of size 1 Pampers diapers that are under his changing area. Diapers that were bought for Marcellus. We are cloth diapering with Ethan and had planned to do the same with Marcellus, but my dad and stepmom didn't now that. When my mom and sister drove from MN when Marcellus was born they sent them with. A large box of size ones, size twos and size threes. Never imagining Marcellus wouldn't live long enough to wear anything but preemie diapers.

Even though we were going to cloth diaper we knew it would be helpful to have some disposables on hand, for when 'i got behind on diaper laundry, for when we were out and about, for when we ha a babysitter. So, we kept them.      

I wrote the above last night. Then Ethan needed to be fed and I didn't get back to this post until now.

I remember those diapers just sitting in the room after Marcellus died. Diapers he would never use. Diapers that signified such hope. Hope that my baby boy was going to get out of that NICU. That he was going to get out of preemie diapers, grow past newborn diapers and then need those sizes 1-3. We didn't know what to do with them. I didn't have the energy to figure it out, so they went in the closest tucked away. When Ethan came home, we got the size ones out. Like I said we are cloth diapering, but it's nice to have some disposables on hand. He's not in size one yet. Or maybe he is, we haven't needed to use disposables in awhile. I bet he would fit in size one. He outgrew his preemie diapers. He outgrew newborn diapers.

Why couldn't Marcellus? Why can't it be an opened box of diapers from when we used a handful with Marcellus saving the rest for his little brother? Why does it have to be an unopened box of diapers for my little boy who never had a chance to use them? Those questions made my heart ache last night and my mind race. I squeezed Ethan tight and cried for his brother. Telling my little boy here how much I miss the one that's not.

Marcellus, I didn't know the diapers would cause such a reaction in me. But staring at that unopened big box of diapers brought me back to when we got them. When we brought them into the house and how we talked about if we were even going to need them. We knew Grandpa and Grandma weren't aware that we were going to cloth diaper and we were very appreciative of their gift (which included your blankie). I wish we had a chance to find out if we would have needed to open those boxes for you. Would you be in those size threes now? I would give anything to change your dirty diapers. To have you here. I miss you so much baby boy. Some days I really can't believe you're not here. It's all so unreal sometimes. But my love for you is as real as it gets. I love you so much. So so so very much. xoxox.

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