Monday, April 1, 2013

Second Easter without him

Yesterday was Easter. We really didn't do anything special. Mike had to work and with Ethan being a preemie, we couldn't go anywhere. But even though we didn't do much, it was still another holiday without Marcellus here. This year he would have been 17months old. This year, he could have hunted for Easter eggs.

But I didn't get to watch my son oh and ah over the pretty colored eggs nor help him hunt for Easter eggs nor see him getting excited over a chocolate bunny. Those were the traditions we had hoped to start. Those are the things we had hoped to do. Instead the only tradition we did this year was get Marcellus white tulips like we did last year. That's the tradition we started. White tulips for a little boy that isn't here. We will get them every year. Ethan will know they are for his brother.

Next year when Ethan is old enough to enjoy some of the Easter festivities we will put out Easter baskets. We didn't this year. I still wasn't up for it. And there will be one for Marcellus. We plan to fill it just like we would Ethan's. Fill it with candy that my first born son will never eat. But I want him included. I want him to be as much of a part of every holiday as I can make him. And that can take some creativity because he isn't here.

Holidays will now forever be so very bittersweet. We have Ethan here to celebrate them with, but Marcellus isn't. Having one son to hunt for eggs with does not take away the ache that the other is not here to help his little brother (or steal his eggs). So for this year I just couldn't make a big deal out of it.

And yesterday really wasn't so bad. Other than the white tulips in the house and Ethan's "My First Easter" onesie, it was like any other day. There wasn't even any crying. Although, we had a difficult moment the night before. Missing our boy. Mike and I both. There has been such a serious mix having Ethan home. I have more to write on that. But for now I just reflect on another Easter come and gone. Another holiday missing Marcellus.

I can't really even touch on the religious part of Easter right now. We didn't even think about going to church because of Ethan being a preemie. All those people make it too risky to bring him. But honestly, even if he could have gone, I don't think we would have. I'm really struggling there. Really angry. Things I thought I had worked on and made progress on that I am battling with again. That in itself is yet another post.

I hate this. I hate that there are many more Easters without Marcellus. I hate that Ethan will never have his big brother to hunt for eggs with. I hate that Ethan will never wear Marcellus's hand-me-down Easter clothes. I hate that my two boys won't argue over who gets to use which colors during dying eggs. I hate that I have a reason to buy white tulips. I hate that I have to struggle to find ways to include and honor Marcellus. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Thank you Gabriel's Garden for giving me one thing to do for Marcellus this Easter.
Ethan with his big brother's tulips.

Marcellus, I wonder what it would have been like to try to do an Easter egg hunt with you. Would you have been into it, walking hand in hand with your momma trying to find the pretty eggs? Or would you still have been a bit too young to care much about it? One thing I'm sure of is that you would have loved your chocolate! Daddy always says Easter has the best candy. I wonder what your favorite Easter candy would be. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder. All I can do is wonder what it would be like. I just want to know. I just want to have you here so I know what it's like, what you'd be like. I've been trying to picture you a lot lately. What would you be like? I miss you my little love. I miss you so very much. Happy Easter my squirmy wormy. Mommy loves you! xoxox

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