Confused

Today I am feeling very confused. This whole time right now is so confusing. My emotions are such a mix and I can't keep them straight.

I miss my boy, I miss him everyday. I still grieve for him. My heart aches. Sometimes I can smile when I think of him. He warms my heart, my amazing little warrior. Others I am a big ball of tears because he is not here. And now, now I am carrying his little brother or sister. A new life, hope. We are happy to be pregnant again, we are excited. But we are scared beyond belief. This whole pregnancy is a roller coaster, there is a lot of worry and fear. And the realization that this baby is not Marcellus, no baby will ever be Marcellus. We could have 10 more babies, and he will always be missing from our family. Will Beamer bring healing to our hearts? I hope so, I hope we find some healing with this precious baby inside of me. But at times Beamer in a way makes me miss Marcellus more. The dreams we have with Beamer, those same dreams we had with Marcellus, the ones that were so cruelly taken away from us.

How do I balance this? I do I balance a baby that will hopefully be here (better be here, please God let this baby be born healthy and live a very very long time) to raise and a baby that is in Heaven. How is that done? I'm so confused. My heart is confused.

Everything is so different with this pregnancy and all because Marcellus is not here. It's not fair. Not only is my son gone, but now I can't enjoy my pregnancy with his little brother or sister the way I enjoyed his. None of it's fair.

This may sound crazy and it probably makes me not a good mom to Beamer, but sometimes I just wish I was pregnant with Marcellus. That we were back in 2011 and expecting our first child together, that this was Marcellus's pregnancy. That this baby I am carrying was my squirmy wormy that I love so very much. I have yet to post any bump pictures to Beamer's blog*. We've taken some and I do have a little baby bump. Today I was going to make a new post over there and add them. I thought it would be fun to compare the pictures now with pictures from my pregnancy with Marcellus. I pulled up those pics and my heart dropped. How happy I looked. The glow in my eyes. The pure pure joy, untainted.

And this may sound stupid, but comparing those pictures, I was so much cuter pregnant with Marcellus. My belly, my face, everything. Way cuter. Probably mainly because I started this pregnancy heavier. I started it heavier both because Marcellus was born and because he died. I never did get rid of all my baby weight with him and really I think most of what was still there was grief weight. It almost makes me not want to post pictures of me pregnant now. But that's not fair to Beamer.

This is the balance I am trying to figure out. I want this pregnancy to be like Marcellus's, but it's not Marcellus's pregnancy, it's Beamer's. I am so lost and confused right now.

I'm 15 weeks pregnant now, so to reminisce of Marcellus's pregnancy, here's a picture of me taken at 16 weeks. That's when my bump really started to pop and when I started to feel those wonderful movements. The first time I felt my squirmy wormy squirming all around. Amazing.

16 weeks pregnant with Marcellus

Dear Marcellus, I loved being pregnant with you. Once I started feeling those squirmies they did not stop. You were always one active little boy! I'm trying my best to balance all the feelings I have for you and for Beamer. It's so hard sweet boy. I just want you both here. I want to be 15 weeks pregnant with an almost 11 month old on my hip. Sometimes I dream that this is you I am carrying. Is that crazy? Does that make your Momma crazy? I know this is your little brother or sister and that it's not you. I just miss you so much my sweet boy. So very much. Sometimes that leads to crazy, irrational thinking I guess. One thing that I know isn't crazy or irrational is the insane amount of love I have for you! I love you so very much. So so so very much! xoxox.
 
*If you want to read Beamer's blog for updates, email me at mommyandmarcellus@gmail.com. I can then send you the link to do so.