Thursday, August 30, 2012

Another year of my life

My birthday is tomorrow, my 27th birthday. I don't want it to come. I want to stay 26 forever. It might sound silly to some, but Marcellus was alive when I was 26.

Tomorrow marks the end to another year of my life and the start of another. I have spent 27 years on this earth, yet my son never even came close to being here for one...12 days. How did he only get 12 days and tomorrow I will be celebrating 27 years? It's not fair and it doesn't make sense.

So much has gone on the last year of my life. A year ago I was about 20 weeks pregnant with Marcellus. It was toward the beginning semester of my 4th year of graduate school. I was working hard to try to get my research done and teaching for the first time. It was an exciting and busy time of my life. Little did I know as a celebrated what I thought to be my last birthday without waking up to slobbery baby kisses that just two months later things would be oh so different. There will be no slobbery kisses tomorrow. There will be no card signed with scribbles from the help of Daddy.  There will be no birthday spent with my son outside of my womb. Last year, my 26th, the only birthday I will ever have with him.

In this last year a lot has happened since that happy day at 20 weeks pregnant, my son was born into this world much too soon, I was in love beyond belief and on top of the world, I became NICU mom, I held my son in my arms as he took his last breaths and his little heart beat for the last time, I planned a funeral and picked out a grave site for my first born son, I buried my sweet baby boy and saw him for the last time on this earth, I came home to an empty house that no longer felt like a home, I ignored the Holidays as the came and went anyway, I went back to graduate school and stumbled through a semester of teaching and attempting research, I picked out and designed the headstone to mark the place of my son's final resting spot. And these last 2-3 months, well there has been a lot more that I've done too, but I will write about that another time.

Another thing about turning 27, it was 10 years ago that I was about 28 weeks pregnant with Angela. Wow, 28 weeks, the gestation Marcellus was born at. And 10 has that been 10 years? Never did I imagine that I still would not be raising a child in 10 years.

And my birthday coming and going means we are just that much closer to October his birthday, to her birthday, to their birthday.

There are not enough candles in the world to make my birthday wish come true this year.

Dear Marcellus, if only birthday wishes were guaranteed to come true. My wish is for you to be here with us. To celebrate my birthday with you my sweet boy. I don't even want to think about how many more birthdays I will spend without you here. All I want for my birthday is you, cuddles and kisses and loving on you. Until that day comes my love, I will miss you every second of my life. I love you right up to the moon and back! xoxox

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