Last night was a tough night. Almost out of nowhere too. I mean I spent yesterday morning writing an encouraging article to the newly bereaved. An article that is hopeful. And yes, I can be hopeful these days. But that doesn't take away the hurt in my heart.
And last night the weight of that hurt and missing my sweet boy came crashing down out of nowhere. It took me over as I ached and longed and cried for my baby boy. We were all cuddling in bed, Mike, the dog, and I and I just couldn't help but think about how we should have our 9 month old cuddling with us too. I could just picture Marcellus there with us and what it would be like. He'd probably be his squirmy wormy little self and wiggle around between us.
And then the tears. The only words that would come, "I miss him" and "It hurts."
Grief is like that. Even 9 months later. Things can shift in a moment and I still never quite know when that's going to be. It might not be as often as before, but it still happens. And it still hurts just as bad as it did in the beginning. I still miss him just as much, sometimes I think even more. I love love love him more than I can tell you, more than I can tell him and to not be able to love on him hurts my mother heart so much.
And now today I am having what I call a grief hangover. I am so tired and worn out. I don't know what to do with myself for the day. At least it's a Sunday.
Marcellus, Mommy still hurts for you so bad. I would give anything to get a chance to cuddle with you in bed with Daddy as a family. We never got to all cuddle together. I long for that so much. I miss you my squirmy wormy. Missing you every single day and sending lots of love and cuddles up to Heaven! xoxox