Monday, May 21, 2012

What is home?

Tomorrow we head to MN. To what I used to say was home. Although we have lived in NC for 3 1/2 years now, for awhile I always considered MN home. Growing up I remember this calendar my mom had once. There was a quote on there from a homeless child, "We have a home, we just need a house to put it in." That says everything about what home is to me. Home is about family. Home is wherever your family is.

So for awhile I regarded southern MN as my home even while living in NC. That's because all my family is there. That was until Mike and I got married. We did live together for a bit before getting married, but it wasn't until after that I really felt our family starting. My husband and I, the beginning of our very own family. And NC started to feel like home. When we would travel to MN I started to distinguish it by saying we were going "back home." And I would refer to NC as just home.

Then 9 months after our wedding our family was really starting. We found out we were pregnant! We started getting our townhouse ready to really be a home. A home to our family. The Lennons. And I truly felt at home. The perfect home, my husband, dog, and baby on the way.

Then Marcellus was born early and was in the NICU. We were home when we were there with him. I didn't feel right being at the house without him because the house wasn't our home. The house is just our shelter. Home was in the NICU at his bedside in pod 2 next to the respiratory office.

And then he died. And I have no idea when I will ever feel at home again. Where is our home?

I have to quote my husband on this one. He wrote about this very thing not too long ago on his blog
Which brings me to what is home now?  If Marcellus is our son and your family makes your home then what do you do in our case.  Before Marcellus it was just my wife and I.  This was our home, where we were.  And that was only cemented when we found out about him, I really started to consider NC our home.  We were going to bring a child into the world.  Two northerners from Minnesota were going to have a Carolina baby.  When he died and our family shattered we buried him in Minnesota because we did not know where we would be in 10 years.  The thought of moving him makes me cringe, I never want to.  But now my child's soul is in heaven and his body is in Minnesota.  His parents are left heartbroken in NC, where do we call home?  Is it when we go back to the grave and see his spot?  Do we call that little chunk of land home?  Or can we still call NC home, maybe the hospital was our only true home.  I do not know.  I hate this all, it makes me sick.
That exactly. Exactly what he said. I do not know where our home is. We're trying to build it back up, together. But it is hard and it will never be the same. Although Marcellus was never in this house other than while in my womb, it has felt so empty here without him. It lost the hominess I once thought it had. This house is again just that...a house.

So tomorrow we head for a visit to MN. The main purpose of our visit is to have Marcellus's headstone put in. Will I feel at home there in the cemetery where he is buried? Will I have any sense of home?

Maybe I will feel at home when we have a living child with us. Maybe I will never feel at home here on this earth. Maybe I will not feel at home until God calls me home to be with Him and my son, for all eternity. I don't know where my home is.

The last time we were in MN was for Marcellus's funeral. Packing and getting ready for this trip has triggered a lot of that. Sitting on my bed while two of my wonderful friends helped us pack. Okay, really they packed my entire suitcase because I couldn't even think of what I needed to bring or do to get ready. We were going to MN to bury our son, to bury the most important piece of our home. And now here we are over six months later, going back to visit for the first time since then. Still without that piece, forever without that piece of our home.

Marcellus, we were home with you here. It didn't matter where we were or where we would live, we were home when we were with you. Now that you're gone, we don't know where that is. Where is home? My sweet boy you are in the ultimate home, with Jesus. But your parents, we are here on earth with nowhere to call home. Someday our home will be rebuilt and we will all be together again. Until then, I miss you every second of every single day! Love you right up to the moon and back! xoxox


  1. Oh I am so very sad for you. This really brought me to tears. I have to say I struggled with HOME for so long because I hated CA. and missed TENN. Having my children here has made me feel like this is home. I totally relate to that part. I can not imagine the sadness of having to leave him there, even though of coarse he was not there. Oh my heart aches for you. I ma saying a prayer that Jesus will comfort you, truly only he can pick up the pieces of a broken heart. BIG HUGS my friend.

  2. Lots of interesting thoughts...I guess I think of that old saying, "Home is where the heart is." And our hearts are with our babies and they are in I guess that is our TRUE home. <3