First I want to share a video that goes with what I wrote about in my last post. I had heard it before and remember thinking "yes, that's it." But I had forgotten about it until I shared my previous post and a friend asked if I had heard it before. The song is Homesick by Mercy Me. And that's how I feel, I feel like no matter where I am I am homesick without my squirmy wormy.
Well, we made it to MN yesterday afternoon. The drive was long and boring and gave us plenty of time to think about what things would be like once we got here. As soon as we got to town we went straight to the cemetery. It was really windy and that annoyed me at first. But while we were sitting at Marcellus's spot, his wind chimes were going like crazy. We ordered the wind chimes online and had them sent to my mom's house, so we hadn't heard them before. I like to think it was so windy because he wanted to play his chimes for us. I immediately started cleaning and straightening things up. Something I haven't be able to do for him since a very long time. I was excited to be there and honestly could have stayed all night. Yes, you read that right. I was excited to be at my son's grave.
To some, excited might not be the word they would think to describe going to your child's grave. And of course, I wish I had absolutely no reason to be there. I wish I never knew that there was a baby section in that cemetery. But since I do and since my son is there, I was excited to be there. Last week at my meeting with my advisors one of them asked me what the most exciting thing I was going to do while in MN was and I immediately responded with "get my son's headstone put in." He looked a little shocked and said, "well, that's probably not the most exciting, but the most important." No, exciting is the right word. It is the most important and most exciting thing we will do while here. This is my life. And these are the things that are exciting.
We stayed at my mom's last night. All of my siblings where here. My 2 brothers, my sister and her boyfriend and their son. My nephew that is just 4 months older than Marcellus. My nephew that is supposed to have a baby cousin here to play with and grow up with so close in age. How am I doing handling being here? Honestly, I don't know. I haven't broken down, but I am feeling a bit detached and withdrawn. I don't know how everyone sees me. Do they see me as I was before Marcellus died? Because if they do I am not that person. Do they see me as a mommy just as much as my sister with her baby in her arms? Do they see me as still grieving? Because I very much still am. Why do I worry about how they see me? I don't know. They are my family and I love them. Right now I just feel like they don't know me anymore. That I don't belong to this family where everything seems to be working out for everyone else. I feel as an outsider I guess. And I'm not saying that's there doing, it could totally be my own issue. That's just how I feel.
I've been so worried about seeing my nephew and how that's going to be. It is hard. It's everything I don't have. Seeing everyone light up and oooh and aaah over what he does. My mom being a grandma to my sister's healthy happy almost 11 month old grandson. I should have my soon to be 7 month old here for her to be a grandma to as well. Instead she takes care of his spot for me when we're not here. That's the way she gets to be a grandma to her second grandson.
It's hard seeing all the little things around my mom's house that are here for when my nephew is over. The things Marcellus will never use. The pack 'n play stored in the bedroom we're staying in. The basket of toys easily accessible, the baby wash in the bathtub and the cute little monkey hooded towel hanging on the towel rack. Yes, I notice all of these things. I notice them and it stings to know they are only for her first grandson, that her second grandson lies in the ground.
Now we are about to head to over to my sister's. My idea, and I want to go. I just know it's going to be hard to see a house full of evidence that a baby lives there and is thriving. I'm going to wish my house looked like that. Instead of the way it does...with things tucked away and the very few things we have that show he was here and the things we have because he his gone.
Maybe detached and withdrawn is the way I need to be to ease into being here right now.
Marcellus, Mommy and Daddy are so glad we got to visit your special spot yesterday. We wish we didn't have to leave you here. That's been hard baby boy. I wish I could be the one taking care of your spot for you all the time, but I am very thankful Grandma can do that. Thank you for playing your wind chime for us yesterday. It was beautiful! I'll be out there to visit you this afternoon even if it is a little rainy today. I was hoping for nice weather because I wanted to stay out there for longer than we got to yesterday since we were so tired when we got in. I love you so much my sweet sweet boy! xoxox