Friday, May 11, 2012

6 months...

How long is six months? That might sound like a simple question. Six months is well, six months. A half a year.

But when it is six months spent missing your baby boy, six months is forever. When it's six months since you held your son as he took his last breath, six months ago seems so far away.

But then somehow at the same time, six months ago seems like yesterday. You can't imagine that it's been six months, because how have you continued to live and breathe for a whole six months? And the emotions can be as raw as they were six month ago, like time has stood still.

Six months has no meaning. In grief there is often no concept of time. It's so confusing and can sometimes make you feel like you're going crazy. And six months have gone by, that means I have to continue to do this for another six months and then another and then another. For as long as I live.

Marcellus has been gone six months (and two days). He was also with us on this earth for six months. The 8th marked a year since we found out we were pregnant with him and the 9th marked six months of his absence. That means looking back at the last year of my life, the first six months were spent on top of the world, finding out I was pregnant, hearing his heartbeat and having a couple of ultra sounds, preparing for the arrival of our baby, watching my belly grow, feeling his movements in utero, the unexpected crazy wonderful day he arrived and of course the 12 days we had with him on this earth outside of my womb. In the last six months we watched our son die, planned a funeral, designed a headstone, figured out ways to honor his life and things to get him for the cemetery. For the last six months we have been grieving. We will continue to grieve for the next six months. We will grieve for the rest of our lives. It's hard knowing that there has now been more time since his death than we ever had with him here.

Marcellus, I can not believe Daddy and I have been without you for six months. It was really hard when we came to the realization you were only here for six months. To have the one year since finding out about you and six months since your death be so close. It hit me then, you were only with us for six months total. Six months baby boy, I got six months with you. Most of that in my womb, and 12 days in the NICU. Regardless of where you were, those six months are the best six months of my life. I loved being pregnant with you. Even if you made me really tired and gave me killer heartburn. That's okay, I would do it all over again for you. That time being pregnant and those 12 amazing days. Those six months shaped me as your momma. Why couldn't you have been here for these last six months too? And the next and the next and the next. Why instead do we have to continue to live without you. Six months may seem to have gone by quickly to some, but baby boy, six months without you is forever. Six long months without you here. Sometimes I wonder how I'll get through the rest of my life until I can be with you again. Somehow I will. In fact, I have to acknowledge that I will because of God. Sometimes I forget that. Loving you always sweet boy and missing you so much! xoxox

1 comment:

  1. I am so very sorry I know your heart is broken. I have never been big on dates but it has been hard for me that Jonathan would of joined our family very soon, or been here already. I am saying a prayer for you I know that Mothers day will be hard, I pray that the people in your life make you feel loved and blessed. ((((HUGS))))