Memories

Last week was a super busy week for me. It caused me to fall behind on my writing/blogging. I was hoping to catch up on blogging this week, but I don't think I'll be writing much here this week either. That doesn't mean I won't be writing, this week I am focusing on writing memories of the time my sweet baby boy was with us.

I don't know why I didn't just write them all down right away or keep a detailed journal of his time in the NICU. Mike did keep a journal, which helps with recollecting the memories, but they're not from my perspective. I have started. The first days I wrote about where when he got sick and his death. I wanted to get that one out of the way first so it wouldn't cloud the rest of the memories. I wanted to think of the memories without them being a foreshadowing to his death. I have written his birth story, and the first few days of his life. I write them day by day. I guess that's the way my brain works. I also have his pictures sorted into folders by day. It's been sporadic when I've written them, but I had through three days old (10/31) written before tonight. I actually wrote about Halloween exactly a month ago.

Tonight I wrote about when Marcellus was four days old. Tuesday November 1st, 2011. Six months ago. I told myself if I hadn't written down his memories by six months then I would just have to write them all then. Well, it's six months. I also think this is the first time the dates and days have matched up like that. May 1st, a Tuesday (even though it's now after midnight and technically Wednesday). Seems appropriate to spend time each day writing those memories from six months ago.

What was I doing six months ago at this time? I was pumping in the NICU at Marcellus's bedside. I know that because I have a log where I kept track of my pumpings. It was my first night discharged from the hospital (I thought leaving there without him then was the hardest thing I'd have to do. Oh how wrong I was.) and I did not want to leave him there to go home. If it had been up to me I would have stayed there nonstop. But I did have to take care of myself as well.

The reason I haven't just sat down and written out all this memories is because it's hard. It's hard to really remember what my life was like six months ago. It's hard to think about the fact that he really was here and we really did have him. It hurts to know that we will never have that with our baby boy again. He's gone. He's not here. But he was here. He was here and we made beautiful memories with him. Sometimes they hurt to think about and sometimes they are comforting. I just never know which it will be. Regardless though, it is exhausting to write about. So, after tonight I probably won't be blogging much for the week unless I really have something I need to write about.

I do plan on sharing those memories on this blog. But I want to get them all written out and sorted out first. Then I'll start sharing memories more often. I have 12 days of memories, 12 precious days I don't want to forget.

I would give anything to go back in time six months. To a time where I never expected anything could go wrong. My boy was making progress and we were on top of the world. I want to go back.

Marcellus, I'm sorry it's taking me so long to write about your memories. It's not that I don't want to remember. I'm so thankful I do remember. It just hurts sometimes to think of how awesome everything was then. It's so different now. Daddy and I both miss you so incredibly much. We would give anything to go back to that time in the NICU. To monitors and wires, and pumping. To you. I want to go back to the time you were here with us. When we ere all together. I'm going to get those memories written down sweet boy. I'm going to try my best to do it this time. Will you help me remember? I never want to forget those days. The best days of my life. Love you right up to the moon and back baby boy! xoxox