Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Two pink lines

A year ago today I saw the two most beautiful pink lines. How different it felt to see two pink lines than it did 9 years earlier. I do remember finding out I was pregnant with Angela. Her birthfather and I went to the Caring Pregnancy Center for a pregnancy test. I remember the waiting. The anxiety, the fear, the unknown. I remember my stomach dropping when I saw two pink lines. How could it be? I was only 16. The thoughts spinning through my head, I wasn't ready, I can't be having a baby. No, there was no joy when I saw those two pink lines. That doesn't mean I don't love my first born, my daughter I placed for adoption any less. It only means it was unplanned (obviously), I was scared, I didn't know what I was going to do. But those two pink lines symbolize the start of my love for her.

Fast forward nine years, one month, and eight days later. My second time seeing two pink lines. This time they were absolutely beautiful! Oh the joy and excitement I felt when I saw them. It was Mother's Day 2011 and I got the best gift ever. It was to be my last Mother's Day without a baby in my arms.
My positive pregnancy test. I was really active on a message board at the time and someone made this for me. Look how the test line is even darker than the control :)
I instantly became this child's mother. My child. Our child. The little life growing within me, so wanted and prayed for. I already knew what his due date would be before I even took the test, Jan 15th. In 2012 we would have a baby. What a perfect way to ring in the new year!

It's so hard to think about how different life was a year ago today. To be able to say "a year ago at this time, I was pregnant with Marcellus" makes things seem so much farther away from him. The hopes and dreams we had for this year. I never expected I would have no baby in my arms this Mother's Day.

I want to share what May 8th, Mother's Day 2011 was like for me. But I want to do so through telling Marcellus about the day we found out about him. 

Dear Marcellus, A year ago today is when we found out about you. That you were growing inside of me. You were 4 weeks gestation and we were on top of the world. Daddy was out of town that weekend because he was in a friend's wedding. We knew there was a possibility we were pregnant, but I didn't want to test before he left because it could have been too soon. And I didn't want to find out we were and then have him leave for a few days. Mother's Day has always been hard for me because I miss your sister. Not many people see me as a mom to her. I know she has a mom and dad, but I am still her birth mom. It was as her mother that I made the decision to place her for adoption. It was with motherly love I sacrificed what I wanted for what I felt was best for her. Ever since Daddy and I have been together he has always done something for me for Mother's Day. When he went to go to MN to be in his friend's wedding I was so worried about being alone that day. He was able to get a flight that came back on Mother's Day around 6:00pm. We would still be able to go for dinner and have time together. 

He asked if I was going to test that Sunday and I told him I didn't think so because I didn't want to be disappointed if it was negative. But secretly I had planned all along to test that day. I even knew how I would tell him. I got your doggy brother a shirt that says "Only child" crossed out and then "big brother" underneath. 

Because we were really trying to get pregnant with you and I was charting, I was pretty certain that I was pregnant. I knew it was best to test first thing in the morning. So my plan was to stay up really really late Saturday night so I would sleep in late Sunday. Then if it was positive I wouldn't have to wait so long to tell Daddy. Well I did stay up late Saturday night. I was online looking up all things about pregnancy signs. I looked at my chart over and over again. I chatted online with some women also trying to get pregnant from the message board I was a part of. 

On Sunday morning I woke up and wanted to know what time it was before I got out of bed. I reached for my phone and it fell off the nightstand. I had to get up to pick it up. It was only 9:30am. Not too early, but with how late I had stayed up I should have slept a lot longer. When I got up to pick up my phone, I realized I needed to pee. So I thought, well might as well take the test. I did and right before my eyes within seconds there were two pink lines. Not one, but two. Two pink lines!!! Perk was on the bed and I just went and hugged him, told him he was a big brother and jumped up and down. It felt so surreal, I couldn't believe it was actually true. You were on your way! 

Now only nine hours to have to wait to tell Daddy. Wow, those were a long nine hours. I don't remember all of what I did to pass the time, but part of it was taking pictures of the pregnancy tests (yes, I took two). Being online and just being so giddy with excitement and the anticipation of telling Daddy. I talked to him a couple of times on the phone before he got on his flight. That was hard. I knew he wouldn't like it if I told him over the phone (plus I had that cute shirt for Perk), so I did everything I could to get off the phone with him as soon as possible. I got a couple of "Happy Mother's Day" texts from some friends that have always acknowledged me as a mom since having Angela. I thought to myself "if only they knew how true it was this year!" 

I left Perk at home when I went to get Daddy from the airport. Before I put him in his kennel I put the shirt on him. He was great about it. He didn't even struggle at all just let me put it on him. I went to get Daddy and we came home. I had to keep from blurting it out in the car. When we got home I came in the house before Daddy did. I let Perk out of his kennel so he could run up to Daddy. I got out the camera and started recording. Daddy bent over to pet Perk and said "Perkie, what are you wearing?" Daddy was a bit confused. I told him to read what it said. He said, "big brother?" then looked at me and said "Are you pregnant?" All I could do was shake my head yes. Yes! I was pregnant! Later I laughed at Daddy for asking me if I was pregnant. It was funny because the way he said it made it sound like he was shocked to find out. Even though we already suspected that I was.

After hugs and kisses and taking pictures with Perkie in his big brother shirt (he was too excited to really get a good shot). Daddy and I headed out to dinner. We went to a coal fired pizza place. It's the first and only time we've been there. I don't think I could go back just because. Maybe we will go there again someday when we find out you have a little brother or little sister on the way. I remember wanting to tell everyone, the hostess, the waiter, the people sitting near by that we were having a baby. I don't remember what kind of pizza we got, but it was delicious. I remember talking about if we should get dessert and if we did should we share or get our own. Daddy said something like "we can have dessert because we're going to be parents!" Your daddy is cute. I loved seeing him so excited about you.

It was such a happy day sweet boy. I felt like all my dreams were coming true. Finally I was going to get to be a mommy to a baby that was just mine (well and Daddy's too). You were so loved even before we knew about you, even before you were conceived. That day we found out is when we got to really start showing our love for you. When I saw those two pink lines I knew I was meant to be your mom, even though I didn't know anything about you. All I knew is I would do anything I could to care for you and keep you safe. To love you with everything I have. I will always love you with all my might. For the rest of my life I will love and miss you. Forever I will love you. And one day I will be with you again and then we will forever be together. xoxox.


  1. Hi, I'm stopping by from Tesha's and I am so sorry about your sweet Marcellus. He is beautiful! What a bittersweet day I imagine Mother's Day is for you. Anniversary's of special dates are hard, but especially the first one (plus on top of missing your daughter). Huge {{hugs}} to you!

  2. I'm visiting from Tesha's. Praying for you as you are missing sweet Marcellus as well as your daughter!

  3. I missed this post and just read it. I prayer you were Loved and recognized on mother's day Morgan. I can not imagine how difficult it must be for you. I thought of you yesterday and said a prayer for you hurting heart. You are a wonderful mommy my friend, I am remembering Marcellus with you! (((BIG HUGS)))