As you probably know from my last couple of posts, we are in MN visiting family. For that reason I haven't been on the computer as much as usual. I do have to admit I have had time to write every now and then though and have chosen not to. I do have so much I want to write about, so much I want to say. I also haven't been keeping up on the blogs of baby loss moms that I read and haven't been posting in the facebook groups I am in. Sometimes I just hate this blog. Sometimes I just hate being part of this baby loss community. Sometimes I just need to step back from it all.
I'm assuming most people read my blog because they either know me personally, are a fellow BLM, or know someone that has lost a baby. I wish I didn't have a reason to have this blog and I wish you didn't have a reason to read it. So every now and then when you don't see me post for awhile, that's probably part of it. I'm just sick of my blog and sick of my grief.
I will give a brief update on our trip. It's going okay. It's pretty mixed. I do want to write a post in more detail on my emotions of being here, so won't say too much now. Also, Marcellus's headstone will be ready Thursday. I'm nervous about it. What if I don't like it? What if it's not perfect? What if it doesn't turn out how I envisioned it? We're having a prayer service at the cemetery with family on Thursday so we can tell everyone about it. I definitely post pictures at some point.
For now, we've flooded his spot with things. He has flowers, solar lights, and toys. It has been nice to be able to visit his spot. Yesterday we stopped 3 times. A couple of times I've been tempted to curl up on the ground next to him and sleep out there.
Marcellus, I am glad we are here able to visit you. And although I know you are not really there, it's almost like we are with you. More than anything I wish you were here to see your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousin. It's difficult to be here without you, but then it's difficult to be anywhere without you. Mommy misses you so much! Love your right up to the moon and back sweet boy! xoxox
My journey of mothering my sweet boy that I hold in my heart, but not in my arms.
Joining you from Tesha's Treasures. I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost our little Ryan in March. I pray you have that baby that get to keep too!
ReplyDeleteMuch love,
Elizabeth
Morgan I have to say I have felt the same way lately, about hating my blog and Facebook. Even though I love it also, I need the support I just wish I did not that none of us did. I know that makes sense to you. I am saying a prayer for you my friend, I have been in a rough spot also. Just keep going you will make it through, so will I.
ReplyDeleteI never slept at the cemetery but I did lay on the ground at least once or twice that I remembered and cried, prayed, talked to Hazel....it is so peaceful and sad at the same time. Hoping we are able to connect while you are here <3
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely a club that nobody ever signs up for. I completely understand the need to walk away from it, however briefly. I wish we could actually leave and not come back to it; but to stop grieving would be to forget our precious angels, and I know that none of us wishes to do that.
ReplyDeleteI wish you strength during this more difficult period. Thankfully, it tends to come in waves, sometimes unbearable and other times much easier to cope with.
I understand <3
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