Saturday, March 31, 2012

Around the house

Around the house there is evidence of him. Evidence he was here and evidence he's now gone. Let me give you a tour...

...starting in the kitchen...

The pictures Mike put on the cupboard doors, so when he cooks he can see them.

The breast milk that's still in the freezer (just what I wasn't able to donate).

The drawing on the white board on our refrigerator that a friend made when letting Perk out while we were in the NICU. It's of my family, Mommy, Daddy, Marcellus, and Perkie. I can't erase it. Ever.

The mess at the dining table from when we last made him a sign to put up at the cemetery.

...the living room...

The poster boards that are still on the wall from when we had a memorial service for him on his one month angel birthday after getting back from MN.

The congratulations cards on the mantle. I can't take them down. I just can't. He has less than 20 congratulations cards. I don't even want to think about how many more sympathy cards he has. Way more...way way more.

The digital picture frame given to us from dear friends. It was supposed to be used at his baby shower that was planned for Nov 12th. We never made it.

The sketches for his headstone on our coffee table. We spent a night getting it just right. I don't think a baby's headstone can ever be described as just right.

The stacks and stacks of grief books we've accumulated. Some sit on our coffee table, others on our nightstand. A few on the dining table. They're everywhere.

The journal we write letters to him in always stays out. Currently also on the coffee table.

His very special candles. He has three right now. The most special one from the funeral home. The holder has his picture, and hand and footprints on it. One is from TCF candlelight we went to in December. The other I won from a give away around Valentine's day. I won by sharing the Valentine Mike and I made to send to MN for him.

The figurines that people got us after he passed away. No stuffed animals for baby here. Just figurines to try and help comfort Mommy and Daddy.

The hospital blanket in Perk's crate. It's the one we brought home for Perk to get used to Marcellus's smell. It stays with Perk. He needs something of his little brother's too.

...our bedroom...

The hand and foot castings that were done. They sit on our dresser. Along with the small box of very special things we have, such as the famous pumpkin hat and a lock of his hair.

Marcellus bear snuggled up on our bed in Marcellus's blanky. Well Marcellus never used the blanket. It's one his Grandpa sent. It most definitely would have been his blanky.

A stuffed penguin wrapped in the blanket Marcellus was given after he passed. He's buried with a smaller stuffed penguin and in the matching hat.

The framed pictures by our bedside.

The nursing bra that got left out under a pile of clothes on the dresser.

The drawer of maternity and nursing clothes. I recently went through the closet and put them all away.

The drawer of clothes I have yet to get back out. I put them away when I started getting too big to wear them. This was much more fun to do than the previous.

The clothes I wore as he took his last breaths. Never washed, stuck under a stand/shelf thing in the corner of our room.

The over the counter sleep aids I needed to take when I couldn't sleep at all. I still need to use them every now on and then on one of "those nights."

...the spare bedroom, which should be his room...

The smaller sleeker desk I bought just 5 days before he was born. His room was always going to double as the office, especially since he would be sleeping in ours for quite some time. The bigger desk is still in here too. We never had a reason to move it out like we should have.

The nice office chair. We bought it just 4 days before he was born. I picked one out that rocks. It was going to double as a place to nurse with a nursing stool. Never had a reason to buy the stool.

The sea turtle clock his "Auntie" got him and gave to me on my birthday.

The children's books on the bookshelf. Also from his "Auntie" and given to us in the hospital the day after he as born. He only ever got to hear two of those stories, Sword in the Stone and The Velveteen Rabbit.

The framed ultra sound picture on top of that bookshelf. In the frame that was intended for a wedding picture. Daddy thought to put it in there shortly after having the ultra sound done at 19 weeks 4 days.

Pregnancy and baby books on the other bookshelf. Especially, The Premature Baby Book we ordered off of Amazon the night after he was born. Good thing we have free 2-day shipping or we may not have even gotten it while he was alive.

The Desitin and Purell hand sanitizer that sit on top of the bookshelf. Two smells that remind us of him.

THE drawer. HIS drawer that holds most of his things. Clothes we bought him, clothes his Grandma and Auntie bought him while they were here visiting. Clothes people sent him in the mail. The musical elephant, also from Grandma. And some other things

Papers, many many papers. His medical records, my medical records, all the papers from the funeral home.

The cards that out number his congratulations cards. The sympathy cards.

Stacks of diapers in the closet. They're from Grandpa. He didn't know we were planning on cloth diapering. That's okay, I'm sure we would have found it very helpful to have some on hand.

The car seat that never got installed in our car. The one Auntie gave him. His cousin rode down in it and rode back to  MN in his new bigger one.

The box of clothes his cousin was passing down to him. All neat and organized from a day I went through them waiting to leave for the NICU. If I couldn't be there immediately I had to do something for him.

The pumping supplies. No pump though because I had to give the hospital grade one back when my milk dried up. Many breast milk containers that never got filled and labels that never got used.

The Arms Reach Co-sleeper that was to go in our room. I couldn't wait to use it and have in right next to me for the night.

Other miscellaneous things we bought to start to get ready for him in a tote in the closet.

The beer in the "brewery" closet that Mike brewed shortly after we found out I was pregnant. It a stout, called "Baby Stout." He was going to offer one to people when they came over to meet the baby since he was due in January.

...the house in general...

The loneliness and emptiness of the house without him here.

The tear stained pillowcases.

The countless kleenex boxes around the house. No room is without them.

The mess I can't care enough about to clean up.

Marcellus, we didn't get all the things you would need because you came so early. We do have some things that every parent of a baby has. But we have no baby here. You're what's missing, not that other stuff we weren't able to get yet. It wouldn't have mattered. If we had you we wouldn't care if we had all those fancy things we thought we might need for you. All we would need is you (and maybe those diapers Grandpa sent you). Instead we have things around the house that no parent should ever have. Things that point out you are not here. I wish we didn't have those things. I wish I never knew parents could need those things. All I want is for you to be here my sweet baby boy. Momma loves and misses you so very much! xoxox

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