One month ago

One month ago today we said goodbye to our beautiful baby boy. Since Marcellus died, I have thought about starting a blog. I have been reading a couple of blogs written by other Angel Mommies and it seems to help them find an outlet for and sort out what they're going through. It only seemed fitting that if I'm going to start a blog, it should be on such a significant day for my family.

Marcellus died at the age of 12 days old from necrotizing enterocoliotis (NEC). At some point I will probably talk more about what happened when he got sick and give more information on NEC. Right now though I am stuck reliving the events surrounding his death. It started last night when my husband and I went to lay down right around the time we had left the NICU the night before Marcellus died. It continued this morning when I woke up for the first time right at the time we were having Marcellus baptized a month ago while he barely hung onto life. I couldn't bear to get out of bed so I went back to sleep. I woke up the second time right around the time Marcellus was getting read for surgery. My husband, Mike, read him his story (Guess How Much I Love You) for the last time. We talked to him before going into surgery. I leaned over to kiss my precious baby boy and I told him "Marcellus, if you need to go, then go. The surgery is more for Mommy and Daddy and if you need to go I want you to go before the surgery. Mommy doesn't want you to be in pain. Mommy and Daddy are so proud of you and you can go if you need to." We told him we loved him so much and just as Mike came around to join me on the side of the isolette I was standing on, Marcellus opened his eyes! Looking back, we know that's when he said goodbye. He did leave before the surgery and he wanted us to know by telling us goodbye.

Now as I write this a month ago today is when I was holding my son for the last time. He was dying in my arms. Time seemed to stand still as I clutched my son so tightly. Not wanting it to be true. How could this be happening?! The doctor kneeling beside me checking for heart tones. I wanted him to go away. I wanted everyone to go away and just let me be with my son and my husband - my family. I handed Marcellus to Mike, it was at that time he was declared dead - 12:43pm November 9th, 2011.

The above paragraphs were written earlier this afternoon, it is now almost 10pm. While I was writing earlier Mike was lying in bed with me. He had been running errands earlier, but I hadn't gotten out of bed for the day. The clock struck 12:43pm and my husband and I relived that moment our son died. We lost it in each others arms. I just don't know how I've gone on living a month without my son. I will continue to try and survive each day though. Each day I make it through is a day closer to being with Marcellus.

I don't know what I hope to accomplish with this blog. I don't know if I'm doing this just for me, for Marcellus, for others that may come across this blog. I don't know exactly what I will talk about. I just don't know. What I do know is that I will tell Marcellus's story; I will share his life with others.

Marcellus, Mommy loves and misses you more than anything! Happy one month Angel Birthday!