Today I want to be shut out from the world. Ok, so most days I want to be shut out from the world. Today I have succeeded in doing so. I have kept myself holed up in the house and honestly have not spent much time out of bed that hasn't been on the couch. I guess at least I have my dog to cuddle with. I think he's getting sick of me though.
Last night we went to a support group meeting for parents that have lost children from conception through one year of age. A fellow grieving mother that lost her 2 day old son 6 months ago made the comment that she feels like she is above the world, just watching everything continue to go on. She was worried she wasn't making any sense, but I know exactly what she meant. I do not feel apart of the ordinary world any more. I feel like we (parents that have lost a baby) are in a separate world. It is very difficult to enter the ordinary world and try to be a part of it. Time moves differently in our grieving world. It feels as if it almost doesn't exist. When we do enter the ordinary world we just want to yell "Stop! How are you continuing to live your normal lives? Don't you know my baby is dead?!" While we do not wish people from the ordinary world to enter ours sometimes we just want the world to stop and hurt with us.
Whenever I do venture into the ordinary world I feel like I have a sign hanging over my head, that I am just "the one with a dead baby." Especially around people I know, but even out in public where people don't even know I was ever pregnant. I just feel so out of place that when people look at me that's all they think of. I do want people to think of Marcellus when they see me. I want to be a reminder of his life. The fear I am referring to here is that people will look at me and only think about how he's dead. They won't think about his life, just that I have a dead baby.
I wish I (or anybody else for that matter) had no need for the meeting we went to last night. But since I do, I am thankful it exists. There are just some things that can only be understood in the grieving world. And that's how I felt last night, understood. We were able to hear other people's stories and share Marcellus's. I found myself feeling so connected to people who were complete strangers to me. They are not strangers anymore. We unfortunately have one of the strongest bonds there is, we know what it's like to grieve for our babies.
Marcellus, please tell the angel babies of the parents we met last night (and those we've met prior, either in person or just online) that they have wonderful mommies and daddies. Sounds like you are surrounded by some very loved babies up there. I still like to think you are the most loved! Mommy and Daddy love you so very very much! xoxox
My journey of mothering my sweet boy that I hold in my heart, but not in my arms.
Morgan, I can never imagine what it is like to be in the shoes that you are in, nor do I ever wish to be, however, please, please, know that you are not just the "one with a dead baby," you have always been and will always be a magnificently strong person who I had the pleasure of knowing and being my best friend while growing up that I unfortunately lost touch with. To me you are not defined by the loss of Marcellus, though it does make me think of you more often, appreciate my own child more, and remember just how precious every single breath I take is.
ReplyDeleteI have always known what a wonderful Mother you are, are as in present tense. You are not just the Mommy to Marcellus, who has passed, but you ARE the Mommy to Marcellus, who IS an ANGEL up in Heaven looking down upon you. Instead of all of the "normal" parenting things that you would have done, you now have to do the "expected" like setting a good example and all of that for Marcellus while he is in Heaven because he is still watching over you. You are strong enough to do this, I know you are.
I pray for you all the time and have, since you asked, kept a candle lit for Marcellus pretty much 24/7, except when my husband catches me leaving it burn all night and blows it out.
Love and Prayers,
Kristina
Morgan,
ReplyDeleteWe do grieve with you, although a bit differently. We think of you and Mike often. But when I think of you guys and Marcellus, I think of those stories you told me the day after he became an angel. Those stories about how feisty, wiggly, and expressive he was. About how he melted into you and Mike whenever you held him and about how hard and valiantly he fought. I think about how you guys could talk to him and he just seemed to know what you were saying. I watch your videos you post on Facebook and remember how happy and determined you were to be there every chance you got and do absolutely everything you could for him. You and Mike did for Marcellus in 12 very short days what some parents never do in a lifetime - you showed him unwavering love, support, courage, bravery, and unconditional acceptance. You held him, loved him, doted on him, cared for him, gave up your days and nights for him. You guys were never upset he came early, you were beside yourselves with joy, love, and pride.
You are both very proud parents. That's what I think of second or third. First, Morgan I think of you as an inspirational, strong woman who is determined to not waste one moment. You are driven, successful and very caring. You gave up many hours and days helping me learn our first year in the Statistics program. You gave me the courage to keep going. When I think of Mike, I think of an amazing husband and brewer who is supportive, kind, loving, and wonderful. You two are perfect for one another, perfect compliments. Only next do I think of you guys as amazing parents. You were courageous, proud, determined, loving, and wise at a time when other parents give up hope. Even now, you're sharing yourselves with those who may or may not know you - you're helping others even while helping yourselves.
Thank you for sharing Marcellus and his memories with us. We will all try our best to help you in any way we can.
Okay, I don't think I want you reading my blog anymore! You are such a good writer! And it sounds like you have some supportive friends that are reading. I do agree though that "our world" is very different from other people, and the learning how to live in the "normal world" is part of what makes the first year of grief so incredible hard. Well, I'm just finishing year two and I still don't think I "fit in" but I've learned to adapt to make others comfortable. Not only have we lost our children, but every part of our lives has changed forever. That is a lot to try and piece together which is why it is so much easier to stay in bed and hide from the world! Don't be afraid to do that, I'm right there with you.
ReplyDeletePS It is crazy how instantly you connect with other grieving parents - look at us :) It is so good to be around people that "get it".
I think we have to accept our "new normal." This is our forever, continual reality. I remember how strange it was when people continued on with their lives after I lost Lily. It felt like the whole world should just stop. I wrote about that here in the letter I wrote to Lily that I shared at her celebration of life service:
ReplyDeletehttp://roseandherlily.blogspot.com/2010/04/dear-lily.html
Here's something I wrote last year about Lily's birthday:
"My mind tells me that March 16th shouldn't be just another day for anyone. And it most certainly shouldn't be a happy day. Shouldn't everyone be pausing and reflecting on what March 16th was to me, is to me, and will always be to me?"
http://roseandherlily.blogspot.com/2011/03/month-of-march.html
I'm so glad you found your way to ParentCare and that you shared your blog with me. I have really enjoyed reading it. We all get what each other is saying at group.
Here's a post I wrote about grieving, what is normal, and group:
http://roseandherlily.blogspot.com/2011/08/thoughts-as-of-late.html
Here's a post I wrote less than a month after Lily died, where I was asking so many questions...so many "whys." Yet, of course I'd never wish it upon anyone for them to enter our world.
http://roseandherlily.blogspot.com/2010/04/why.html
While I am sad to have met you under these circumstances, I am glad to have support and people that are dear friends. People that maybe I wouldn't be friends with in "normal, everyday life," but because we're here in this place, because of this special bond...we are there for one another.
Lily and Marcellus are friends in Heaven, I'm sure :) I cannot wait to meet your little guy