Today I want to be shut out from the world. Ok, so most days I want to be shut out from the world. Today I have succeeded in doing so. I have kept myself holed up in the house and honestly have not spent much time out of bed that hasn't been on the couch. I guess at least I have my dog to cuddle with. I think he's getting sick of me though.
Last night we went to a support group meeting for parents that have lost children from conception through one year of age. A fellow grieving mother that lost her 2 day old son 6 months ago made the comment that she feels like she is above the world, just watching everything continue to go on. She was worried she wasn't making any sense, but I know exactly what she meant. I do not feel apart of the ordinary world any more. I feel like we (parents that have lost a baby) are in a separate world. It is very difficult to enter the ordinary world and try to be a part of it. Time moves differently in our grieving world. It feels as if it almost doesn't exist. When we do enter the ordinary world we just want to yell "Stop! How are you continuing to live your normal lives? Don't you know my baby is dead?!" While we do not wish people from the ordinary world to enter ours sometimes we just want the world to stop and hurt with us.
Whenever I do venture into the ordinary world I feel like I have a sign hanging over my head, that I am just "the one with a dead baby." Especially around people I know, but even out in public where people don't even know I was ever pregnant. I just feel so out of place that when people look at me that's all they think of. I do want people to think of Marcellus when they see me. I want to be a reminder of his life. The fear I am referring to here is that people will look at me and only think about how he's dead. They won't think about his life, just that I have a dead baby.
I wish I (or anybody else for that matter) had no need for the meeting we went to last night. But since I do, I am thankful it exists. There are just some things that can only be understood in the grieving world. And that's how I felt last night, understood. We were able to hear other people's stories and share Marcellus's. I found myself feeling so connected to people who were complete strangers to me. They are not strangers anymore. We unfortunately have one of the strongest bonds there is, we know what it's like to grieve for our babies.
Marcellus, please tell the angel babies of the parents we met last night (and those we've met prior, either in person or just online) that they have wonderful mommies and daddies. Sounds like you are surrounded by some very loved babies up there. I still like to think you are the most loved! Mommy and Daddy love you so very very much! xoxox