I don't really know what to write today, but I just felt the need to pull up my blog and start typing, maybe because today was a really bad day. Now, everyday that I have had since Marcellus died has been a bad day. There have been "ok" days [side note: there are NOT enough words in the English language to describe what we go through in grief, especially when losing a child. In my life before losing Marcellus I wouldn't describe these days as ok, but everything's relative and relatively speaking we have had ok days since Marcellus died.]. In fact earlier this week I had a couple of ok days in a row. Meaning I only cried once those days and it wasn't uncontrollable sobbing. I was able to think of the good memories of Marcellus and feel some warmth in my heart. Mike and I were able to laugh a little, especially at my poor reciting of Marcellus's story "Guess How Much I Love You".
But then today BAM! a pretty dang bad day. It's probably a combination of things. Christmas is pretty much here. Sometimes those ok days aren't as ok as you think and we are just able to 'set it aside' or 'shut down' a bit (consciously or unconsciously). Most of all it's related to the fact that had Marcellus not gotten sick, we would be bringing him home any day now. He would be 8 weeks old today and 37 weeks gestation on Christmas. Today thoughts of what it would be like to have brought him home have been racing through my head all day. I keep thinking of how big he would be, what would he weigh? Mike is telling me he would probably be around 6 lbs. 6 lbs?! What a big boy he would be! His cheeks would be getting round (both on top and bottom - he literally had no butt), and his wrinkles would be going away as he filled out his skin. What would it be like to breastfeed him? It's something I was really looking forward to. I worked so hard to pump for him, so hard to get my supply up. He didn't need much at the time, but I wanted to be ready for when he was ready. He was going to be such a good eater. I swear he had already been rooting. What would it be like to introduce him to the dog? Perk was going to be such a good doggy big brother. When our nephew was here Perk was so gentle. He would have protected Marcellus and they would have been best of buds. How would it have felt to walk out of that NICU with our baby in tow? We would have been on top of the world. When we got home we would have just holed up, not invited anyone over. Just the 3 of us (and Perk) together for the first time without nurses and monitors constantly beeping.
I have thought about literally every detail there would have been that day. And as long as I can stay in my head they are amazing to think about. But as soon as I'm back in reality and know those things will never happen I'm a wreck. To remember that we had our last walk out of the NICU, but it wasn't with our baby in tow it was leaving him behind dead and cold. We did get our time just the 3 of us, no nurses or monitors. But it wasn't at home cuddled in bed, it was at the funeral home with our son in a casket.
That's what today has been. A mix between fantasy and reality. A day where the uncontrollable, I can't catch my breath sobs take over and my limbs go limp. I know this post is pretty depressing, but I want to be open and honest about what we are going through. And that is today.
Marcellus, Mommy and Daddy really wish you were here. We wanted to bring you home so badly baby boy!