As the distance between the number of days my son was alive and the number of days he's been dead grows, I find myself worried about forgetting. We have plenty of pictures and videos so I know I can't forget what his face, his eyes, and his beautiful hair look like. But what about the way he smelled, how is skin felt, all the noises he made, his hiccups, his multitude of sneezes in a row, the way he felt on my chest, the softness of his hair, and all his squirmy wormy-ness; will I forget those? Will I forget the way my husband looked as he rounded the corner to Marcellus's room, pride beaming from every pore of his body? Or what it was like to sit and stare at the two of them together, my boys both fast asleep (and snoring!)? I even worry that I'll forget the sounds of the NICU, the conversations with his nurses and what it was like to scrub in.
For now I can still feel him melt into my chest and scratch at my neck. I can feel his fuzzy hair on my fingertips. I can even still feel what it was like to have him kick and squirm inside of me and how I recognized those movements he made after he was born. I'm holding on to that as tight as I can, but what if it's not enough. What if one day I wake up and those memories are gone?
And what about those memories of us together as a family; Mike and I so happy, proud, and content. Those are harder to recall right now. When I look at my husband instead of seeing him beaming I see his sadness and I feel his hurt. When we are together instead of feeling like a complete family we feel broken. Instead of taking turns holding Marcellus we take turns holding each other while we cry. Instead of feeling intense joy and happiness we feel excruciating pain and sadness.
Someday I hope to get to the point where recalling the memories will bring back those same emotions, where I can think of Marcellus and be more than just sad that he's gone. Someday I will, I'm just not there yet. For now I will just remember. I will never forget. He is etched on my heart forever.
Marcellus, thank you for all the wonderful memories you gave Daddy and I. Please help keep them strong in my mind and heart. Mommy loves you squirmy wormy!
My journey of mothering my sweet boy that I hold in my heart, but not in my arms.
You will never forget Morgan, I promise you that.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it will feel like it wasn't real though and you'll look at yourself and your life and say "Did we really go through that?" But then, out of nowhere, it will happen. You'll see something or smell something and it will all come flooding back. It can be overwhelming but comforting too.
Our children will always have a piece of our hearts and our minds will forever hang on to our memories of them.
Morgan, you are Marcellus' Mommy, you will never forget those things about him, or what it felt like to hold him. Angela is right, she is exactly right about a smell or a sound triggering everything one day and all the memories of Marcellus will come back. You are such a strong woman, Morgan, I admire your drive through this horrible thing, because I don't know if in the same situation I would have as much strength.
ReplyDeleteI hope you and Mike will have as happy of a holiday as you can. I will be thinking of you and praying for peace for you.
Love and prayers
I think it is a great idea to write all these things down, every detail, so you don't forget. There are some memories that fade with time. I wish I had gotten to know Lily outside of the womb. It sucks that I didn't. So, I cling to the way she looked, what it felt like with her inside of me. And sometimes, I forget what it felt like to carry her. It's not that I don't care enough and that's why I'm forgetting. It's just natural that some things fade. As much as we don't want them to.
ReplyDeleteOur babies truly are etched on our hearts forever...we will never, ever be the same...and we will remember that which is important to remember. And the bitter memories will soon fade and turn to only beautiful ones...though we will forever miss them and want them back, the memories will bring more joy than sorrow as times passes.
Here's the link to a sweet picture of babies together in Heaven. I wanted to share it with you:
http://roseandherlily.blogspot.com/2010/04/for-all-you-butterfly-mommies.html