As the distance between the number of days my son was alive and the number of days he's been dead grows, I find myself worried about forgetting. We have plenty of pictures and videos so I know I can't forget what his face, his eyes, and his beautiful hair look like. But what about the way he smelled, how is skin felt, all the noises he made, his hiccups, his multitude of sneezes in a row, the way he felt on my chest, the softness of his hair, and all his squirmy wormy-ness; will I forget those? Will I forget the way my husband looked as he rounded the corner to Marcellus's room, pride beaming from every pore of his body? Or what it was like to sit and stare at the two of them together, my boys both fast asleep (and snoring!)? I even worry that I'll forget the sounds of the NICU, the conversations with his nurses and what it was like to scrub in.
For now I can still feel him melt into my chest and scratch at my neck. I can feel his fuzzy hair on my fingertips. I can even still feel what it was like to have him kick and squirm inside of me and how I recognized those movements he made after he was born. I'm holding on to that as tight as I can, but what if it's not enough. What if one day I wake up and those memories are gone?
And what about those memories of us together as a family; Mike and I so happy, proud, and content. Those are harder to recall right now. When I look at my husband instead of seeing him beaming I see his sadness and I feel his hurt. When we are together instead of feeling like a complete family we feel broken. Instead of taking turns holding Marcellus we take turns holding each other while we cry. Instead of feeling intense joy and happiness we feel excruciating pain and sadness.
Someday I hope to get to the point where recalling the memories will bring back those same emotions, where I can think of Marcellus and be more than just sad that he's gone. Someday I will, I'm just not there yet. For now I will just remember. I will never forget. He is etched on my heart forever.
Marcellus, thank you for all the wonderful memories you gave Daddy and I. Please help keep them strong in my mind and heart. Mommy loves you squirmy wormy!