His stuff

The last couple of days have been really really rough. There are so many things I feel like I could write about right now. I will try to focus my thoughts though and create a coherent post.

Yesterday and today I've really been struggling on what to do with Marcellus's stuff. We aren't making any big decisions about it now, but even just trying to decide where and how to store it is hard. I really hadn't spent much time in his room until yesterday. We were planning on having Marcellus sleep in our bedroom for quite awhile, especially after he was in the NICU. His room was going to double as the office. The weekend before he was born we even bought a smaller less bulky desk and new office chair. Even though it wasn't solely going to be his room it has always been where his stuff would be. We need to get the room working as an office for me to do my work. When I'm in there I just look around at all his things. Some are hand me downs from his cousin, some are from consignment sales, and some we picked out brand new just for him. Regardless of where it came from it is his stuff. Both yesterday and today I broke down. All I could do was cry and say, "He'll never use his stuff. He never even saw it. It's his stuff and he'll never use it!"

I'm so conflicted about it. Neither Mike nor I can handle it being out. To see everything he should be enjoying, we should be putting him in, is like having "He's not here! He'll never use this stuff!" shouted at us. On the other hand, I can't bear the thought of just boxing it all up and putting it in storage like he was never here. It feels like we'd be boxing up part of his memory. Most of the stuff we got while I was still pregnant, while Marcellus was with us. All the hand me down stuff my sister brought with her when she visited. I remember one morning before heading to the NICU I went through and organized all the clothes she brought. I was so excited to start getting things organized for Marcellus. Instead he will never wear them and I should have been spending those precious minutes with him in the NICU. We are in such a lose-lose situation. Whether we leave it out or put it away, Marcellus is dead and never will use any of it.


Yesterday we met with the neonatologist that worked on Marcellus the day he died. We had many questions about what happened, how he got sick, and if there was anything else that could have been done. We did get many of our questions answered, but  now we also have new ones to ask. Marcellus had a blood clot behind his intestines. It compromised the blood supply to his digestive track and is what allowed the NEC to develop. There is no way we could have known about the clot. The doctor also said we will probably never find out why he developed it. He said something triggered it to happen and there's no way of knowing what. He told us that when they see clotting issues in babies it's because one of the parents has a clotting disorder. That is not the case for us. This is where the new questions come in. How did my little baby get a blood clot?! Where there more? We did not have an autopsy done, so that is unanswerable. The doctor suspects there may have been clots in other places as well. Is this something we need to worry about for our future children? Did he have something wrong that in conjunction caused him to be born early? Why did he have this death sentence hanging over him?

All these questions and no answers. My mom had a good point though. When I told her about the appointment yesterday I was asking the "why's". Why did he get a clot, why did he die. She simply said, "would it make you feel any better if you knew?" The answer to that question is easy, no. Regardless of the answer, Marcellus is dead. There is no answer good enough to make me say, "oh, that's why...then ok I'm fine with my baby dying."

Marcellus, Mommy's so sorry about everything you had to go through. I wish it could have been me instead of you. You were so brave and strong and will always be our little warrior!