I need to work on letting people see me be okay. Yes, I do have okay days. Some maybe even considered good, or at least good moments in a day. I have a very hard time letting people see that though. I have a hard time letting them see me smile, laugh, joke, or anything that resembles "good". Even in writing I have a very hard time with it. I have a very hard time portraying any hope, even if I do feel some in my heart.
As far as writing is concerned though, I do write best when I'm very emotional. I also need to write the most when I am very emotional. And since this is my space to come to and get that out, I often do. This blog isn't to keep updated on my daily life. Although it is an added bonus that friends/family can "check in" here and I don't have to tell the same story a bunch of times, that's not it's primary purpose. It's primary purpose is for me to sort through this mess in my head and connect with my baby boy.
So yes, many of my posts may be depressing and sad and focus on the pain of losing Marcellus because that is how I am feeling when I do write. But there are times I can feel myself making sure I point out the hurt and the pain more than I would need to. I even find myself being "too depressing" at times. It's like I have to make sure to really emphasize the bad and how much this sucks. Now don't get me wrong, this does suck...it really really sucks!
I've read blogs and other writings by loss parents where they try to focus on the hope and diminish some of the shear heartache and the pain. I feel like I'm the opposite. I solely focus on the heartache, emptiness, loneliness, and pain, but diminish some of the hope I do have. Because yes, at times I do have hope and I do feel warmth in my heart. I need to tell myself that it is okay to feel okay (and even good). It is okay to have hope.
My fear is that someone will see a smiling, laughing, joking or read something uplifting from me and think to themselves, "oh good, she's better. She's over it. She doesn't need to talk about it or Marcellus anymore." I am honestly afraid that if I don't constantly show the sadness that people will start to forget about him. Or they will forget that my heart will always have an ache for Marcellus. There will always be a piece missing.
My fear was confirmed after someone close to me said, "I'm glad to hear your pain is less." I don't think the pain is less. I still hurt like crazy for my sweet boy. The pain will always be there. It will just be different. I can't say too much because I am only 5 months out, but I have heard others say that the bad days will always be just as bad, but over time there will be more days in between the bad ones and it takes less time to recover from them.
It's different when I am with Mike. We have started to get some of the goofiness back that I have always loved in our marriage. We can laugh and smile with each other. We can joke and pick on each other in fun. It's different with him because he knows. He doesn't have to see tears in my eyes or hear pain in my voice to know that deep down my heart is aching for Marcellus, that I miss our baby boy.
It's different when I'm with other parents that have been through a loss. I can laugh much more easily and freely. Because they too know that the sound of my laugh does not diminish the pain in my heart. They know behind that laugh I am a momma missing her son. They know the struggle it is to be okay with feeling okay. They just know.
So here I am trying to convince myself it's okay to feel okay. Another struggle of being a grieving mother. Beyond the fear of expressing hope and okay/good feelings, there is guilt. It's gotten better, but yes I can feel guilty for it. My baby is dead, how can I be okay with that even if just for a day? I have to realize that no, I am not okay with that. I will never be okay with the fact that he's not here. But I can feel okay in my day to day life. I can have hope for the future. It does not mean I love Marcellus any less and it does not mean I miss him any less. It just means I'm adjusting. I'm adjusting to this "new normal" that everyone talks about. And while I'd rather have the regular normal with my baby here, I don't have that. There's nothing I can do to have that. This is my life and I have to live it. I have to figure it out.
I had lunch with a friend that was in town today. The last time I saw him I was 27 weeks 5 days pregnant, exactly one week before Marcellus was born. I was nervous about it. I was having an okay day and instead of getting into my "woe is me, my baby is dead" mood I stuck with feeling okay. If he hadn't brought up much about Marcellus my mood probably would have changed and I would have gotten upset/sad. But he asked. He asked lots of questions about Marcellus. He showed me that just because I was okay and able to talk about other things, that he didn't think I was "over it" that I didn't want to talk about him. He understood that I am a mother and what mother does not want to talk about their child?! My friend wasn't afraid to ask any question, about the day he was born, what happened when he died, what he was like, how things are for us now. And while I can't speak for all grieving parents, for me that is what I need. I need to know people think about him and need people to acknowledge him even when I'm not outwardly grieving. I need people to think of Marcellus as my son, not just my dead baby.
I'm still working on it, but for today I feel okay and I am okay with that.
Marcellus, Momma's always missing you. And I know you know that. I have to remember that how I feel on a given day does not change how much I miss and love you. Nothing will ever change that. Even if some people do think I'm "getting over" losing you, it won't change anything about how I feel about you. You know how much I love and miss you, Daddy knows how much, God knows that, and lots of other people know how much I will always always love and miss you. You are with me every day sweet boy, whether it's a day I don't want to get out of bed because it hurts so bad without you or a day that I laugh at all the silly things Daddy does (you have a VERY silly daddy!). Please help Mommy embrace each day, the bad and the good ones. I love you on the bad days and I love you on the good days! I just plain love you with all my heart! xoxox