I went there

To the dark place. I went there. Perhaps I am still there a bit. I feel like the last few days I've been able to crawl out a bit here and there, but I have a ways to go.

I haven't been writing and that's not good. I haven't been talking and that's not good. I haven't been hopeful and that's not good. I haven't been active and that's not good.

A whirlwind of things have hit me. There was Easter and the 9th back to back, but overall it is the fact my baby boy is not here that gets me. Immediately following Marcellus's death there was shock and numbness. After that I feel like I was in disbelief, maybe even some bargaining. How could this be real? If I just did x, y, and z this would all be over.

Now over 5 months out and rounding the corner to the big 6 month mark, it is pure reality. It has hit me. He. Is. Gone. He is never coming back. It has knocked me to the ground.

Around 4 months I was hopeful, honestly it was the best month I had since losing Marcellus. We went to Asheville, I was being active (even lost 4 lbs!), we were getting out, I was writing regularly to help me manage my emotions, and I was feeling okay a good amount of the time.

Then all of a sudden bam! I was just so sad. So so sad. All I can think about is how he should be here. How this should not be my life. I can't find the hope to cling on to. I've gone back to feeling like "how in the world am I supposed to do this?!" Sometimes I just feel like I can't, sometimes I just feel like there's no point.

The ache in my heart is always there, but lately it's been so acute again. So painful. I've been having more moments where it hurts even to breathe. But I think the fact that I am writing about this today will hopefully get me back on track. I do feel like I am slowly reemerging from the dark place I have been in these last couple of weeks. I don't know when I will be back to where I was right before that again. I feel that last few days have been better than the week before and earlier in the week, but I still have a long way to go to get back to where I was.

Marcellus, sorry Momma hasn't been doing a good job at trying to keep it together. I haven't been writing and overall haven't been writing/talking to you as much. It just hurts too much sometimes baby boy. Sometimes it's easier to for Mommy to just shut down and block everything out. But easier doesn't always mean better. It would be better if I worked through things more. I need to keep your legacy alive through me and I can't do that if I'm just sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself all the time. I need to get out and do things for you, for me, for Daddy, for your future little brothers/sisters. I need to be a better mommy for you sweet boy. I miss you. I miss you so much it really hurts. Oh how I wish you were here. Here with us, your mommy and daddy, like you should be. I love you little squirmy wormy, I love you so so very much! xoxox