Saturday, March 31, 2012

Get it out

I'm having a particularly hard night. I just need to get a few things "out there." This probably will be mostly rambling and not make too much sense. It might be raw, and it might be painful, but these are the feelings I need to get out.

I'm really hurting right now. I just need to say how much this sucks! It's so unfair. I want my baby here. I miss him more than I can find the words for. I feel so lonely without him, so incomplete. I am sad, really sad...just so so sad. I'm sad for me and I'm sad for all the other mommies missing their babies tonight. I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do without him.

The last couple of weeks things have been "too normal" and it has taken it's toll on me. By the end of the week I feel exhausted and beat up. Holding back my emotions and trying to be productive through the week is hard. I've been working more and do believe I've been more productive. I think part of that is setting my grieving aside for the hours I'm on campus getting work done. Sometimes that makes it hard to pick back up when I get home. There are days I have left it set aside, packaged up all nicely just waiting for me. That's the thing, grief waits. If I want to escape it for a couple of days, it's there...waiting. Tonight my grief could wait no longer, it came to me. Out of nowhere I lost it. I don't even know what started it. Well, of course I know what started son is dead.

I haven't been crying enough. Many loss moms have said to embrace the good moments. And it's not that...I do think I am getting better at embracing the good moments. If I wasn't crying because of okay/good moments I don't think it would affect me like this. I just feel like I need to cry, but I'm not. I'm so sad on the inside, but it's not showing on the outside. I can't get it out. It's trapped and then I feel trapped. Don't get me wrong, I do have okay/good days. Right now just isn't one of them. Tonight I hurt, a lot.

Why is he not here? I don't understand. There was nothing wrong with him. Yes, he was premature, but he was doing so well. How do you go from being the most stable baby in the intensive room to being dead in 24 hours? How does that happen? It shouldn't have happened. He should be here. I should be the mother of a happy growing 5 month old baby boy. Not a mother who needs to have a tree planted on her son's 5 month birthday because he's buried in MN!

I'm missing him so much tonight. So very very much. I'm really missing him and really sad he's not here.

Marcellus, Momma's having a rough time tonight because I miss you so much. I just want you here to love on...tickle, squeeze, kiss. You would have gotten so many kisses from Mommy, Daddy, and Perkie! Tonight Daddy asked if I wanted Perk to cuddle in bed with me since I'm having a hard time. I said I want my baby to cuddle in bed with me! Daddy said him too. We both want you here so bad sweet boy. We would cuddle and snuggle up all the time. Oh Marcellus, how I wish things were different. The only thing that's the same is how very much I love you. I will always love you with all my heart little mister! xoxox

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