First I want to mention that this is probably the longest I've gone without writing. Mike and I were out of town for a mini getaway. I will have lots to write about that this week. I don't have enough time or energy to get into it at the moment.
What I want to write about quickly is doing our taxes. Yes, taxes. If you have come across this blog because you are also unfortunately a member of this babyloss club, then I want to warn you. A lot of people may have already done them. But hey there's still a little over a month to go, so maybe people still haven't. I use Turbo Tax to do ours and I'm not sure if all software or doing them by hand lays things out in the same way. So it might be different.
I did know doing the taxes were going to be hard. It's a time where we get to claim Marcellus as ours. To say he was here and he IS (not was, is) ours. It's the last time I will get to use his social security number. The only other times being to apply for Medicaid (after he died) and for the funeral home (they ordered his death certificate for us). In fact we didn't even get his social security card until the day after he passed away. Ironic huh? The official word that he's in the government system, the day after he's gone.
I got a little nervous starting, but then I actually got excited to add him as a dependent. My child. Our child. Claiming him as our son. I put in his information and then there's a few boxes to look through to check. Yup, there it is. I don't remember the exact wording, but it said something like "this person became deceased in 2011". Que tears streaming down my face as I check that box. I was just bawling. Yes he is ours. BUT, he is deceased. Gone. I will never need that page in Turbo Tax for Marcellus ever again. I will never get to list him as our dependent ever again. I pray that I will get to use that page in the future. And hopefully next time it will be for more than one tax filing. I had to take a break and I hadn't even gotten through the personal information yet.
And no, none of it was about the tax breaks or the bigger refund. As I went through the deductions and saw the "child credit" and all of the things that were different on this years taxes than last years my heart kept breaking. That's money I should be spending on him. On new baby clothes, diapers, toys, carriers, portraits of him. Instead maybe we'll set some aside for a random trip to MN to visit his grave sometime or get him some things to put as his grave.
I would give it all back. I would give back all of my tax refund, give away all the money in our checking and savings account, give up everything we own, I would give EVERYTHING to have even just one more moment with him. One more time to kiss him, hug him, whisper "I love you" into his ear. I would give up anything and everything.
And as a warning to those of you that have lost children recently...
I saw this story posted in a loss facebook group that I am in. It's about ID thieves stealing the identities of dead children. Basically the story is about a family who's tax return got rejected. It's because someone else had already claimed the child they lost in 2011. How disgusting is that?! It makes me sick. That family is already going through enough and now to have to deal with this...my heart hurts for them. I really hope this story is unique and there aren't others out there. But this world can be a pretty messed up place, and unfortunately there are probably more like that family that have suffered at hands of identity thieves.
It's actually reading that story that pushed me to get our taxes done. I'm so paranoid now that someone will have done this with Marcellus. That maybe this blog will be to blame too. That they'll see his name and his birth date here and be able to find his social security number in one of those stupid deceased registries the news story talks about. I guess I'll find out soon enough whether the government accepts or rejects our return. I will absolutely lose it if something like that happens to us.
Okay. at the beginning I mentioned that I was going to write quickly. This has not be as quick as I thought it would be. I have so many thoughts floating around in my head that I'm sure I will be posting often this week.
Marcellus, for a moment today I smiled at being able to claim you as our son. To say (even if it's just to the IRS) that yes, we have a son! That brief smile turned quickly back into heartache. I also had to say that you are gone. I'll never get to tell the IRS about you ever again. I would give anything to have you here baby boy. I would give up everything we have. I hope you know that. Nothing is more important to me than you. I love and miss you THIS much! xoxox