I hate going to bed. I absolutely hate it. Every night I whine at Mike, "I don't want to go to bed!"
Sleeping has gotten somewhat better in the last couple of months. For about a month after Marcellus died we slept with the light on. Yup, every single night we, a married couple in our mid-late 20s, slept with the light on. It was mostly for me. I was afraid of the dark. I was afraid of the thoughts that would come out. The images I would see. Mike had to convince me to finally try it without one night.
I'm also no longer taking over the counter stuff to help me sleep. Well I do take it every now and then. But I was told that your body can get used to it and "need" it if you take it on a regular basis.
But I still hate going to bed at night. There are a few reasons I hate it. First I hate laying there. I never fall asleep right away, never. I've never been one that can fall asleep very easily. My mind wanders. It wanders all over the place. But mostly about Marcellus. About what he would be like. About what we would be doing if he were here. About what it was like when he was here. About what happened to him. About what I could have done differently. About all the "what ifs." About how other people have responded to us losing him. About other babyloss moms. About if we'll have other children. Yes, my mind wanders like crazy. And it's not even that I think about any one of these things in details. My mind just bounces around in one sentence thoughts amongst everything and anything related to Marcellus. I hate that. I can't stop it.
My therapist says I'm supposed to write before bed and then do some relaxation techniques to help with this. I have to admit I'm not very good about it. Part of it makes me angry. I don't want to do those things. I don't want to have to convince myself to go to sleep. I should be so exhausted from being a mommy that I can easily fall asleep any second I get. I shouldn't have to work for it because I'm afraid to go to bed. Because Marcellus is gone.
Things tend to get worse at night. Often once I step into our bedroom to get ready for bed, I lose it. Bedtime is a time to wind down. Instead for me bedtime is a time I become flooded with emotions. If I had a busy day or a "shut down" kind of day (like today) where I try to ignore my emotions, they hit me at bedtime. For me it's usually the loneliest, emptiest time.
The other things I absolutely hate about going to bed is the fact that I am just going to have to wake up and do it all over again. Most nights I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Not have to do it again the next day. Just go to sleep and see Marcellus. But I don't even dream about him. Well I do dream about him, but never about him being alive. I beg God to let me have dreams of him alive. Either when he was here and in the NICU or what he would be like now. But I don't get them. He exists in my dreams, but it's always that he's already gone. Please can I just have one amazing dream where he is alive, please?
Mike's already sleeping. He had to get up early this morning and I slept in, so I wasn't ready to go to bed when he was. This is when it's the worst. When I have the most difficulty going to bed. He's not awake to help convince me it's okay to go to bed. He's aware of that too. Before he went upstairs he asked if I needed him to stay up with me. I'm sure that's part of it. That he knew I'd have trouble getting myself to go to bed.
So I should probably drag myself reluctantly up the stairs. Climb in bed clutching my Marcellus Bear and attempt to sleep. I should, but even after writing this post I'm still not sure that I will.
Marcellus, Momma hates going to bed because you're not here. You're not here to get up to in the night. I think about that a lot. About what it would be like to wake up to you fussing, bring you in bed to feed you and snuggle and just stare in awe at you in the middle of the night. I wonder what that would be like. I never got to get up to you. I pumped, so I had to wake up in the middle of the night. But instead of being woken up by your soft (or loud) cry, I had to set an alarm. I never got to wake to you baby boy. I would give anything to have been woken by you. To get up to your cries in the night. To not sleep at all because you are fussing all night. Instead I can't sleep because my thoughts are full of you. Because I miss you. Because I long and ache for you. Will you please come visit me in my dreams sometime, please baby boy? I just want a glimpse back into what our family was like when you were here. Or a glimpse into what you would be like if you were still alive. What would my squirmy wormy be like? Every night I'll go to bed loving and missing you. I love you so much Marcellus, so very very much! Oh how I wish you were here. xoxox