Thursday, March 15, 2012

I hate this

In my last post I said that I would write about our little getaway we had over the weekend. I will probably still write about it, maybe over this weekend when I have more time. But for now all I have to say is...


I hate having this blog. 
I hate writing in a journal to my son, instead of whispering in his ear. 
I hate that the other night we spent our time designing his headstone to be just perfect.
I hate that we'll make an Easter sign to put at his grave.
I hate I only have a teddy bear to snuggle with, and not my sweet boy.
I hate going to group.
I hate struggling to find ways to do things for him.
I hate that we have an "in memory of" March for Babies team.
I hate that I now know so many moms that have lost their sweet babies too.
I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

Now obviously a lot of these things are helpful for me. Things I need to do/have right now. But I hate them. I hate them because the only reason they happen/exist is because Marcellus is gone. So I hate everything about them.

I hate seeing my husband in so much pain and not being able to take it away.
I hate that I feel jealousy and hurt when I see other people with their babies or pregnant.
I hate how unfair this all is. 
I am so sick of crying.
I am so sick of feeling lonely.
I am so sick of never knowing when the next break down will be. What will trigger me today?
I'm so sick of not sleeping well.
I am so sick of this life.

But the 12 days I had with my precious baby boy were worth all this heartache. The love I feel for him is worth all the pain. I wouldn't trade it. I wouldn't give up this miserable life if it meant never having him at all. He is worth every second of it.

Dear Marcellus, the pain and hurt I feel now is only because I love you so much. It's because you were here and you did live that Momma hurts so bad. And that makes it worth it. I would do anything for you. And if this is what I have to go through to be your mommy, then I will. I will do this for the rest of my life because for the rest of my life I get to say, "I am Marcellus's mommy!" Not a moment goes by that I'm not missing you. I love you sweet boy! xoxox

1 comment:

  1. You are so brave;( I am crying reading this... I wish I could do this to remember Olivia;(