It's been way too long

It's been way too long since I've written here. A month exactly. That wasn't planned when I sat down to write today. I just looked at the date of the last post and it's from a month ago...3 days before Ethan came home from the NICU.

I wish I could say that I haven't written because having Ethan home as brought me so much peace that I don't need to write as much anymore.

I wish I could say that I haven't written because I'm too busy being a stay at home mom with a spotless house and delicious dinners.

I wish I could say that I haven't written because I'm too busy fundraising for our March for Babies team, Marcellus's Marchers, and doing just as awesome of a job as we did last year. 

But the truth is I haven't written because my head is quite a mess. I don't even know where to begin with all the thoughts and crazy mixed emotions that are all over the place. Don't get me wrong, having Ethan home is amazing. It's not that I'm not happy he's home, it's that I'm so sad his big brother isn't. Everything happened so abruptly with Ethan being born early. In the early days of his NICU stay all my energy was focused on his survival and our survival through being back in the only place where Marcellus lived. In the later days of his NICU stay all my energy was focused on getting Ethan home, on keeping myself from breaking.

Now that we're home the emotions have caught up to me. At home, the grieving that I am still very much doing for Marcellus was waiting for me in full force. Now I have my second beautiful little boy at home and all I can think of his how there should be two here. What would it be like to have them both? I just know they are so different. From the moment Ethan was born I knew he was so different from Marcellus. In looks and personality. There is a physical resemblance though. Something about their eyes. Sometimes I'll look at Ethan and it's not so much that I see Marcellus in him, but that it gives me a glimpse of what Marcellus would be like. I can better picture how Marcellus would look as an almost 17 month old. I fee like I even get a better sense of what Marcellus's personality would be like.

And I miss him, I miss Marcellus so much. It seems like I just keep missing him more and more. I didn't know it was possible to miss him more than I already did. But I do. I knew Ethan would never replace Marcellus, ever. But I thought he would bring me some peace and he hasn't. At least not yet.

Marcellus, Momma is missing you so very much! I don't know why you can't be here with your little brother. I keep saying I need to write here more. I'm going to promise you now that I'll write here at least once a week, maybe even more while I'm trying to sort my head out. Writing here isn't just for me, it's always been for you too my sweet boy. I will come here to write and give you the time you deserve. Even if it's just to say, "I love you." And I do. I love you so very much, so much that it hurts. I will forever love you my first born son, the big brother to our family. xoxox.