The day we thought she would die, part 1

Where do I even begin on the emotional roller coaster that has been this last month. If you don't know me personally or haven't been following my posts here's a quick summary of what's been going on in our life. I'm pregnant with our fourth child, due April 30th. I had my cerclage surgery on December 6th. The next day it was discovered I was leaking amniotic fluid. At this point the leak appears to have resealed and I'm ready to start processing what happened. This might take multiple posts or this one post might end up ridiculously long. I just know I need to get started.

Cerclage surgery went smoothly. I mean, it's not fun. At all. But everything went as well as it could of and seemingly very similar to how it did during Weston's pregnancy. Mike couldn't be there with me because the kids had a stomach bug we didn't want to expose anyone else to, but I have an amazing community and a friend came and stayed at the hospital with me all day. I was nervous and a little worried, but nothing too bad. I was 19 weeks 2 days the day of the surgery. I had started Zoloft three weeks prior after having some panic attacks (probably something I should write about as well). It's really made such a difference in how I've handled anxiety inducing situations.

The following day I felt as expected. Sore, but better than the night before. I was taking it easy on the couch. My spotting from the surgery (which is normal) was already pretty insignificant. At one point I noticed a small gush. Not anything that ran down my leg, but enough for me to wonder what it was. At first I brushed it off...I probably just peed myself, right? I mean that happens to pregnant women and everything in that area was a bit off from the surgery. Then I figured I should tell Mike. I asked him to look over the discharge sheet on what to do. It definitely said to call if there was fluid leaking. I still thought it was nothing. The surgery went so well, I have a skilled doctor that specializes in cerclages. I have since learned he does 40-50 of them a year. The risk of amniotic sac rupture during a prophylactic cerclage is super low, especially when there is no funneling of the cervix and the length is over 2cm (which mine was at least 2.5cm). So when I called my specialist to ask if I should be concerned he wasn't alarmed at all. He thought it was probably nothing, but did say it should be checked out that day or the next to rule out amniotic fluid.

So I called my primary OB practice and got in for that afternoon. I went solo while Mike stayed with the kids because hey, we all really thought this was nothing and I was just taking a precaution getting checked. Well when I was examined the OB saw pooling of fluid and when tested the PH it came back as it would for amniotic fluid. Heart dropped. No, no way this was actually amniotic fluid. No, f'ing way. It couldn't be. I was only 19 weeks 3 days, I couldn't be leaking fluid. The surgery went well. He said the surgery went well. He wasn't worried. I wasn't worried. How did this happen?!? There's another thing they check for, which is called ferning. That takes time as the fluid needs to dry. So while it dried I had an ultra sound to check the fluid around the baby. Turns out fluid level looked normal, so that was a sign of relief.

Back to the room to talk to the OB. I know in the meantime she was on the phone with my specialist. She told me no ferning came back, so I wanted to believe it wasn't really amniotic fluid. But she said they look for 2 out of 3 of those things (pooling, PH, ferning) to be positive and if they are they consider it positive for amniotic fluid. She told me about a more accurate test that can be done at the hospital, ROM test and asked if I wanted that. I did. She was calm, she was trying to be compassionate, but she basically implied there was no chance for my baby if it came back positive. She made me think my baby for sure was going to die. That we were for sure going to have to make the decision to induce labor because the risk of infection for me was too great.

So I sat there, by myself, losing it. Bawling. Wondering how the hell is this happening to us?! I remember saying things like "How can I handle losing another baby?!? I can't lose another baby!!! What do I tell my son?!" Everything was spiraling and at no point to she provide hope or imply there could be another outcome.

I called Mike trying to figure out what to do. We were able to get in touch with another amazing friend that could take the kids. And it took one more friend to pick them up because of car seat arrangements. I don't know that I could have driven so Mike came and picked me up. One friend met us at the hospital to get the kids and take them to our other friend's house. I felt numb. I didn't know what to say to the kids. I kept crying and my sweet sensitive E rubbed my cheek before he left and said "don't be sad, Mom. Just remember what I always tell you, I love you!" He didn't yet know exactly what was going on, just that there was something to be checked out for the baby.

And I need to stop here for now, mostly because of bedtime. I noticed that so far this is still void of emotion. I need to dig to process all that. I think the next post will focus on the emotion a bit more. Or at least I'll try to go there. For my own healing and moving forward.

Dear Marcellus, I couldn't fathom losing another baby. How would I survive losing a baby?! But really the question is how have I already survived losing you? How did I keep on living when you didn't, my heart continued to beat and my lungs take in breath when yours stopped? The thought of bearing that pain for another child was too much that day. I thought my world was crashing down around me. One dead baby and a miscarriage was enough for me. How would I manage having two dead babies? Thankfully things turned for the best and here I am 23 weeks 3 days (exactly 4 weeks out from the leak) back to things being "normal" (well, my normal). And I still sit here and wonder how we've lived without you for over six years. I just can't fathom it, and yet it is our life. You my sweet beautiful baby boy. You are not here and never will be. Once we started fearing for your life it never got better. That fear became our daily reality. And we miss you fiercely, we love you immensely! xoxox.