I cried for you today

I cried for you today.

It had been awhile since tears flowed just for you. There have been times I've cried and pure overwhelm, when many things have bubbled up at once. But today I cried for you. I cried because of your absence.

A friend came over to help me organize a closet. A closet that holds many of your things. But you see they're not really you're things. They are things that we have because you died. The Marcellus's Marchers shirts, the clothes we wore the day you died...that we wore as we held you while you took your last breaths, totes full of sympathy cards, keepsakes gifted to us in your memory, but nothing of yours.

And I started to feel angry, angry that we have this stuff in our house. Angry that it's stuff we have because you died. Your death taking up space in our house. I want your life taking up space here. I want you and your clothes and your toys and your books. I want you.

So I cried, for you my sweet boy. But it wasn't enough. There are more tears hidden there in my heart. I let out just enough to ease the heaviness in the moment and push through. I wanted to get done. I needed to stay present for your siblings. But it was a glimpse at how my heart holds the ache of your absence. How it is always just right there ready to bubble up.

I will cry for you again. When will it come out? I can't say. But the tears will need to escape sometime.

I will cry for you again and again and again and again. I will cry for you until my last day on this earth.


I love and miss you more than even those tears can ever express!