7th birthday thoughts

On October 28th, 2011 at 10:01am a 3lb 2oz and 16in long baby boy came into this world without a name. He was whisked away to the NICU before I could even see him. But my heart swelled with pride. "It's a boy!" the most beautiful words I have ever heard. (We weren't leaning one way or the other, I was just so happy he was okay.) The look of joy and pride in my husband's eyes is something I will never forget. The beaming smile on his face as we were in awe that our son was born. Not under the circumstances that we had hoped, but we still felt on top of the world to have welcomed our precious baby boy. Through the fear and the unknown of the NICU we loved on that baby boy fierce. We named him Marcellus Robert. Marcellus after my grandpa and Robert after his daddy's middle name. A strong name. A name we felt was meant for big things. And I guess in a way that name is still doing big things. Just not here on earth like we had envisioned, like we had hoped and dreamed for. 

I'm still so proud to be that sweet boy's momma. Marcellus's mommy, an honor that belongs only to me. A part of me for the rest of my life and beyond.

That little baby should be turning 7 today. My first born son that I will never get to watch grow up. And I have to admit that I'm tired of the grief. I'm tired of the hurt. I'm tired of the longing. I'm tired. It's been 7 long years without him. But at the same time it's only been 7 years. I'm in my 30s, it could be another 50 years of life without him. And that blows my mind.   

Every year it's a new grief. The grief of what should be. The grief of missing a child that was here for only 12 days. We only knew him on this earth while in utero and as a preemie in the NICU. We never got to know him as an infant, toddler, little kid. We'll never know his 7 year old self, never know his interests, dislikes. I often think of what he would be like. And I always come back to the same feeling. I have a strong feeling he would be very thoughtful. Not just thoughtful as in considerate to others and to nature. But thoughtful as "in his thoughts", introspective. He'd be quiet, but have deep questions. Living in such a loud household with 3 younger siblings would probably be hard for him, but he'd be an amazing big brother.

And while having such a strong feeling of him brings me some comfort, comfort that his energy and love are with us in a way that we can't understand, I want to know my child I have these visions of. I want to know him physically on this earth. I want to hold him, to smell him, to kiss his owies, hear his laugh, answer his questions. And I know if he were here he wouldn't just be this perfect kid with no faults. He'd have his faults and I want to know what those would be too. So no, he wouldn't be perfect, but he'd be amazing. I'd be in awe of him and who he was.

But all I can do is speculate, focus hard in those still moments and feel his energy, visualize where he should be in every family picture or picture of his living siblings. I want to know him as I know them. So while I am so thankful and will forever be thankful to be his mom, to have felt him grow in my womb, to have birthed and brought him into this world, to have had 12 days to physically love on him, to feel the incredible softness of his hair, see his deep dark wise eyes, to have smelled him and felt him in my arms....while I will always be thankful for that...it will never be enough. I will always long to hold him just one more time, to lay eyes on his beautiful little self just one more time.


Happy birthday Marcellus Robert! You would be 7 today and I wonder what you would be like. I have a feeling you wouldn't want a big party and instead would rather do something special with 1 or 2 friends, or even just with our family. We went to Hillridge Farms the other day to celebrate your birthday. Fall is your season, and it was a way for us to celebrate this beautiful time of year. We had fun, but I ached for you at every moment. I smiled watching your siblings, but then my heart would drop wondering what you would be doing. It's so hard having a heart that's so full, but hurts so much. I miss you love. I miss you so much. But I am so thankful you chose me to be your momma. I will always be your momma. I will always always always celebrate your life. I love you!!! xoxox.