Two

Two.

I am the mother of two boys.
But you only see one.
One little boy to hold in my arms.
One little boy to kiss.
But there are two.
Two boys I have birthed.
Two boys share my mother love.
But one is no longer here.
One little boy to hold only in my heart.
One little boy to miss.
But there are two.
I am the mother of two boys.

Incomplete

January 15th, the anniversary of Marcellus's due date.

It's around this time of year that I should be throwing a birthday party for a one year old little boy. Instead we had a party months ago to celebrate the life of a little boy that is no longer here.

My oldest son. Born too soon and gone way way way too soon.

I am missing him a lot. Wondering why he can't be here with us.

His little brother turns 4 weeks old. We've been in the NICU for 4 weeks. And while I love his little brother so very much, my heart still aches and aches and aches for my squirmy wormy.

I want them both here. Why can't I have both of my sons?

Marcellus's due date. As I wrote in last year's post, a "day represents crushed hope, dreams that will never come true, and an incomplete family." That is how I am feeling now. Crushed that he isn't here. And incomplete. Even with Ethan here, our family will always be missing Marcellus. We will always be incomplete.

Marcellus, Momma is missing you like crazy! I am so sorry I haven't done much for you lately. I'm not trying to neglect you. I haven't been able to find a balance yet. And with your brother in the hospital, it's hard to focus on anything but getting him home. I hope you understand that. I love you so much my sweet boy. I love you! I love you! I love you! I wish you could be here with us. I wish you and your brother could grow up together. I wish I could feel complete like I did when you were born. I love you right up to the moon and back! xoxox