Sunday, January 15, 2012

Due date

Today is Marcellus's due date. Even if Marcellus would have gone full term he probably wouldn't have been born exactly on this day. But it still holds a lot of importance for us. This day represents all the hope and dreams we had for him and our lives with him. It's the date that we've had in our minds since we found out we were pregnant with him on May 8th, actually probably even before that when we suspected I might be pregnant. It's this date that give or a take a couple of weeks our baby should have been born.

Or it's this date that we would be using to talk about Marcellus's adjusted age as they do with preemies. After this date instead of referring to his adjusted age in terms of gestation (e.g. Marcellus died when he was 12 days old, but he was 30 weeks 3 days gestation), we get to start measuring in terms of days and weeks. This date was the first goal set for getting him home by. It was this date I had in mind when I would say we were "lucky". That's right, when Marcellus was in the NICU I often felt lucky that he came early. Yes we had the struggles of the NICU, but he'd be home soon enough (so I thought) and we were just getting extra time with our baby. We were getting an extra 2 1/2 months with our baby boy. How many parents get to see their baby develop during this time? While I knew it would have been much better for him to go full term and that's what I had hoped for, once he was born early this is the way I looked at it. Now how stupid is that thought, feeling "lucky"?!

Instead this day, what should be such a hopeful and happy time, marks exactly 2 months from when we buried Marcellus. Two months ago I saw my son for the last time, I touch his soft fuzzy hair for the last time, and I kissed his forehead (that is exactly like his daddy's) for the last time. I watched my husband place the lid on his tiny casket. Two months ago a piece of me was put into the ground. This might sound strange, but I honestly don't know what was worse, the moment Marcellus died or the moment the lid went on that casket. I think seeing the casket close made everything so much more real. Although Marcellus had already been dead for days, we had been able to spend time with him at the funeral home. We were able to be a family, just the three of us together. Once that casket was closed there was no longer the three of us. It was back to just Mike and I, just Mommy and Daddy with no baby. Now this day represents crushed hope, dreams that will never come true, and an incomplete family.

I would give anything to hold him again whether it be when he was alive or after he already died. Just to have him in my arms would be amazing. I miss him so much, so very much. I don't know what I'm doing without him and I'm really struggling to figure it out. To figure out  how life can continue to move forward without Marcellus.

My comment above about Marcellus having Daddy's forehead just made me think of all his other features. Here's a rundown of what features he got from each of us. He had Daddy's forehead, nose, lips, hands (identical!) and feet. He had Mommy's chin, eyes, cheeks, ears, and attitude (identical!).

Here's a picture of Marcellus. It was taken when he was 6 days old. He was born with his eyes fused shut (very odd for his gestation) and on this day he opened the 2nd one (left, right opened at 4 days old). He must not have had the hang of having both eyes open and is giving what I like to call his "pirate look". This picture is also the best we have of his hands. If you want to know what Mike's hands look like, this is it. They are seriously identical.

Marcellus, Momma's really missing you. I can't believe it's been 2 months since I saw you last, two months since I got to gaze upon my beautiful baby boy. I wish you were here with us. We would have done everything for you. I love you my little mister! xoxox


  1. What a wonderful picture of your sweet boy!

  2. It brings tears to my eyes to remember that moment when Mike put the lid on. I felt like I could seriously hear your two hearts shatter. There was not a dry eye in that room. Marcellus was so loved to the very last moment and still is. What a painful day. I meant to call or text you but somehow the day slipped by. I want you to know I was thinking of you and was aware of what the 15th of this month was. That was the saddest thing I could ever have witnessed and my heart still aches to remember it. I wish I could hug you again! Take care.

  3. Oh Morgan, this post just breaks my heart. January 15 will forever hold significance for you. I just wish it could have turned out differently. I know what you mean about the lid on the casket. I remember thinking how wrong it was to see Lily's casket, white and so, so tiny. They shouldn't have to make caskets that small. He is an adorable little boy!!