Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Can't be

Mike and I just watched a video of Marcellus and I've been looking at some pictures. Who is that person? It certainly can't be me. Who is that couple so happy with that beautiful baby? Can't be my family. How can it be, how can it be me and my family in those videos and pictures? I honestly don't recognize myself. That can't be me just 3 months ago. It can't be because there's no way I could have been that happy 3 months ago when this is how I feel now.

Three months ago at this time I got to introduce my mom to her grandson, her Lil Boo. It was Halloween and my mom and sister had just driven straight through (with my nephew) from Minnesota. I was still in the hospital, but able to walk and move around a lot better. Mike and I had a good day with Marcellus anticipating our visitors' arrival, telling him all about them. Mike had gotten an orange bucket and filled it with candy. He wrote "Happy Halloween from Marcellus" and gave it to the nurses. I was SO excited for my mom and sister to come and meet my son, to show him off to my family.

I don't know that excited happy person anymore. She doesn't exist right now. Instead all I know how to be is a grieving mother, lost without her son. Beyond that I don't know what to do with myself. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that this is my life. We had a baby, he was perfect, our life was beautiful and happy, but now it's gone. Marcellus is gone and he took so much with him. Right now I just feel so empty.

So where did those people from the video go? Will they ever be back? No, I'm afraid those people no longer exist. Will we find happiness again someday? I don't know. Right now it doesn't feel like it, but I've heard it does happen. Even so, even if we are happy again one day we will not be the same people in those videos and pictures. Those people had no idea, they had no idea what it is like to watch your newborn son die. We do and that means we can never go back.

Here's a poem I wrote a few weeks after he died.

My heart is broken
My soul is empty
My world turned upside down

I am a mother
but something's missing
my baby is no longer around

He was taken
all too soon
we only had 12 days

But in that time
he changed our lives
he gave us memories

Now I sit here without my child
without my son to kiss

When he left he took my heart
he took my happiness

Marcellus, I feel so empty without you here. You made us so happy, everything seem so complete. Without you nothing feels right. I am so thankful for the memories we do have and the videos and pictures. I treasure all of that so very much. Thank you for being in our lives sweet boy. Thank you for being my son. Mommy loves and misses you! xoxox

1 comment:

  1. It's true, you will never be the same person as you were before you lost Marcellus. Our babies came and have left a footprint forever on our hearts. We are changed forever...but then, we wouldn't want to go back. Our baby's make us better people. If we went back to who we were before, it would be like they never existed. And even though it's so raw and painful now and always will be painful, you will learn to live again and find joy again. It will just be like learning to walk with a limp. This is your "new normal."

    Beautiful, heartbreaking poem