Mail

Getting the mail sucks! Seems everyone knows that we should have a newborn baby at home. Somehow we are on a mailing list. I'm assuming it's from Motherhood Maternity where I shopped a few times during my pregnancy and then once while Marcellus was in the NICU for nursing clothes (of which I hardly got to use). They would have all my information on file there including his due date. There could be other lists out there who knows. Anyone know how to get off of them? I don't know if I have the energy to figure it out.

A few days ago Sears offered a deal on newborn photos. They don't know that we got our family photos done, that they were done in a funeral home days after our son had died [side note: one of my biggest regrets is not getting professional photos done in the hospital right after Marcellus died, some day I'll probably write about that because it tears me up]. Today we got an offer from Vista Print for birth announcements. I thought about doing birth announcements, even after he died. Just kind of an announcement of his little life. But again I just don't have the energy for it. Mike said there's been other coupons/ads in the mail. He just didn't tell me about it.

If all these companies know he's supposed to be here, shouldn't there be some way to tell them that he's gone? That when he died he would be taken off these "lists." Who would have thought something that was supposed to be helpful and fun to get in the mail would turn out to be so painful. Just as we were done getting sympathy cards, coupons and ads for our baby that is no longer here start rolling in. It's just cruel.

Oh and since I mentioned Motherhood Maternity, let me list out the number of things I didn't get to use. I have two shirts that I was saving for when I was REALLY big that were never worn, a pair of black dress pants that I was going to wear to teach in the day he was born, a couple of shirts I had bought just the weekend before Marcellus was born (I did wear them after he was born), and some of the nursing clothes. I think the week before Marcellus was born I was nesting a bit. The weekend before he was born we registered at a local baby boutique where we were going to get most of our cloth diapers from, I ran a bunch of errands getting stuff and insisted we get a new desk and chair that would work better in his room (since we only have 2 bedrooms it was always going to double as an office), we registered at Buy Buy Baby, and I HAD to have the desk and chair put together within a few days of getting it.

What gets me the most is that the Saturday he was 8 days old we spent a lot of time getting me nursing bras/shirts. I remember being so antsy to get to the NICU, but the store didn't open up until 10am. We got there a little before it even opened and I think I even cried while waiting. I just hated being away from my baby! I remember calling the NICU to check in on him since we weren't going to get there as early as I had hoped. We probably didn't get to the NICU until around 11 because of it. I was so mad about that, not getting there as early as I wanted to. But I knew if I was going to continue pumping as much as I was and then doing extended breastfeeding I had to give myself the best chance at it. I thought getting nice bras and shirts would be helpful. One of the shirts I was going to wear to his baby shower that was scheduled the next Saturday. We never made it to his baby shower, and I never got to wear most of the stuff while he was alive. In fact, I wore the shirt I was going to wear to his shower to his funeral instead. It was a shirt I got for him, so I wanted the first time I wore it to be for him. I also wore it my first day of teaching this semester when I was really nervous because I wanted to feel connected to him. I need to put the rest of that stuff away. I can't just wear it for "everyday". I don't know how I'll feel about wearing the clothes for (hopeful) future pregnancies/nursing. If Marcellus were alive I'd of course use my maternity/nursing clothes for future children, but since he's gone it's like that stuff is special to him. Something I have from him.

Marcellus, Momma wishes you were here to use all the coupons we're getting in the mail. We'd have fun with all those things. I'm sorry for the times we didn't get to the NICU as early as we should have. I wish I would have never left you there without Mommy or Daddy with you. I miss you sweet boy, I miss you soooo much! And of course I love you with every ounce of my being. xoxox.