Friday, January 20, 2012


Why is he dead? Why is he dead? Why!?

Was he even really ever here? If he were here, then how can he be gone? How did this happen? I had a baby, he really was here.

I just spent some time watching some of his videos. All I can do is cry out and say that's my baby, that's my baby. We really did have a baby. He really was here. We really are parents. I really am a mommy. But it doesn't feel like it. It feels so empty and lonely instead.

Three months ago I was blissfully unaware of how my life would soon change so drastically and so quickly. I was happy so happy enjoying my pregnancy, my perfect pregnancy. Then when Marcellus was unexpectedly born we briefly panicked and worried, but quickly the pure joy, immense happiness, and perfect love out shadowed any of that. We were absolutely on top of the world. How do we go from that to this so quickly? Into the deepest darkest utter despair. The greatest pain. Absolute heartache. I still have that perfect love for my baby boy, but no longer the pure joy and immense happiness.

At times it's so hard to believe that he was ever here. That we had a baby...and now he's gone. He's gone. He's gone! He's GONE! And it hurts. It hurts so bad. It hurts more than anything. I often just want to crawl in a hole. And not come out until this life is over. This nightmare of a life.

Marcellus, it's hard to realize that you really were here. That you were with us and now you're not. Mommy misses you so much baby boy. Sooooooo much. I love you more than I can ever even tell you. I love you with all my heart, even if it's a broken heart. xoxox.


  1. If only there were a hole deep enough that would take away the pain...oh Morgan, you are thought of and prayed for this night.

  2. I know what you mean, Morgan. Sometimes I wonder if Lily really existed, did I really have a daughter? This dream of her just slipped through my fingers. But, she was real. Marcellus was real. They are our babies and we love them just as much as if they were here with us. That's why it cuts so deep. He is gone physically, but will never leave your heart, your memory, and the heart of so many who love him, including me. I'm glad to know Lily has Marcellus for a little buddy.