Saturday, February 23, 2013

We didn't know

I haven't written in forever. I probably should write here more. My life feels like a major whirlwind. I often just can't believe everything that has gone on. From Marcellus being born early and dying to Ethan being born early and getting close to coming home. How is this my life? How have I survived?

I think back to when I was pregnant with Marcellus at how perfect everything seemed. Married to the love of my life, expecting our first child. We didn't know.

We didn't know we'd spend 12 days in the NICU with our first born. 12 days that have shaped us. 12 days that we hold onto with everything we have.

We didn't know we'd only have 12 days. 12 short beautiful days.

We didn't know we'd be able to survive. Survive the death of our precious baby boy. To continue living without him. Yet somehow we are surviving.

We didn't know we'd be back in that same NICU with his little brother. Day 68 today. Not so patiently waiting for our second son to come home.

This whirlwind of a life. Yet if this is the what I need to do to be the mother of these two precious boys, then this is what I do. I grieve and hurt for Marcellus while I treasure those 12 days. I push through this long NICU stay in hopes of Ethan coming home soon. I am their mother and nothing could be better than that, even with all the struggle and heartache.

Sometimes all I can do is survive. Lately, that's how I have felt...just barely surviving. I hope soon to find the strength somewhere to do more than just survive. To go back to living.

Marcellus, Mommy's sorry I haven't come here more to write. Mostly to write to you and to give you the time you deserve. I've had to put off so many of the feelings I have of your life and your death right now. It's not fair. I need to still grieve for you, long for you, ache for you. And I will for the rest of my life. Lately, I've really really really hurt for you my love. I want nothing more than for you to be here with us. For you to meet your little brother when we bring him home. For us all to be together. I miss you and love you like crazy!!! xoxox.

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