I'm supposed to be working. Yes, at 8pm I'm supposed to be working. I am teaching full-time at a local community college. I don't do work in the mornings so I can be home with Ethan. But I sit here instead with tears in my eyes. I miss Marcellus.
I miss him so much. Everyday I miss him. But life has continued to move forward and most days I don't get the time to reflect. Life is busy. Overall, life is good. But I still miss him with every ounce of my being. I miss and love him more than I can begin to describe. So, in moments like tonight, where I take the time to stop and slow life down...the tears come.
They've been there all along. I need to get better about letting them out every now and then. To "be intentional" as my therapist would say. It's a hard time of the year for us with Marcellus's birthday and anniversary so very close. It's okay that I cry. It's okay that I'm sad. I need to be. I will always need these moments to miss and actively grieve for my sweet boy. My squirmy wormy. My little warrior. My first born son.
Grief is so very different now. I can honestly say I am happy. But the hurt is still there. Life is never black and white. I don't have to be happy or sad. I can be happy because there are many great, wonderful, amazing things in my life and at the same time I can be sad. Sad because my son died and I don't get to hold him, kiss him, hug him, breastfeed him, chase him, make him laugh, hear him say "Momma" or "I love you". Yet, I can be thankful to be his momma. To have carried him for 28 weeks 5 days, to have gotten to hold him and kiss his tiny head, breath in his smell, feel his soft soft hair, look into those dark eyes and tell him I love him.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month with today, the 15th, being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We lit Marcellus's special candle along with another one for all babies gone too soon. We did Ethan's bedtime by the soft glow of these candles. It was so beautiful in a way. We read Marcellus's story and sang his bedtime song. Afterward Ethan gave Mike and I both the biggest and best kisses an almost 10 month old can.
Marcellus is an everyday part of our lives. He is with us always. Today we take a moment to tell the world that. To tell the world these babies are not forgotten. They will never be forgotten. We ask the world to remember them with us even if just for today. I am so thankful for the family and friends in my life that continue to love, miss, and remember Marcellus with me. Thank you to those of you who are not afraid to speak his name, to ask about him, to ask about us, to acknowledge his absence in difficult moments, to share his life.
Marcellus, Mommy misses you so very much. I know I haven't been writing very much at all and I am so sorry. When life is so busy it can be hard to come here to write. Sometimes I'm just not up for it and that doesn't mean I don't love you or grieve for you. I do baby boy. I love you so so so very much and my heart does ache for you. I have just learned to live in a different way. To live without you. To move forward with life with you in my heart. I live because you were not able to. I live for you sweet boy. While I long for you, I at the same time embrace the joy in my life. These next weeks will be so hard though. I wish you were here. Everyday I wish you were here. I still have many questions about why you couldn't stay. I have more work to do, but I am trying baby boy. I am trying to be the best mommy I can be to you and the best mommy I can be to your little brother. I love you both so very much. I love you right up to the moon and back my squirmy wormy!!! xoxox