Saturday, January 25, 2014


I want to lay face down on the floor, kick my legs, pound my fists and scream at the top of my lungs how unfair it is. I really probably should. To let out the emotion I haven't had a chance to release lately.

I can feel it building up inside of me. When I'm busy I can keep it at bay. I have other things to focus on. But when I slow down, when I have a quiet moment, I literally can feel it running through my veins.

I guess that's why lately on Saturday nights my heart gets so heavy and I feel the welling up. E is sleeping, Mike is at work. Only my thoughts to keep me company. And those thoughts have being going to Marcellus. My first born son, whose name I rarely get to speak out loud. So here I am, sitting by myself repeating his name out loud, "Marcellus. Marcellus. Marcellus. Marcellus Robert."

Tonight I caught myself doodling his name while I am supposed to be prepping lessons for the week. He's always on my mind, but tonight he sneaked to the front of my thoughts and ended up right there on my paper in what Mike calls,"circle letters."

I think 2 years 2 months 2 weeks and 2 days without my first son (huh, look at that...all 2's) is a legit reason for a grown woman to throw a tantrum. Just hope my second son doesn't wake up needing me when I'm a big mess of emotions.

Marcellus, it's so unfair that you are not here with us. Sometimes it makes me feel so out of control with my emotions and want to throw a tantrum. Really I should be dealing with your tantrums. At 2 years old, I'm sure you would be throwing them over something or other. Instead of helping you work through your uncharted emotions, I'm still trying to figure out the ones of my own. I don't even really know exactly what I'm feeling right now. I just know it's overwhelming and it sucks. I completely understand why toddlers throw tantrums. I miss you, my sweet boy. It's so unfair that I have to miss you! That I can't have you here with me. And of course, there's your little brother over the monitor. I love you so much!!! xoxox


1 comment:

  1. Such a raw truth. Thank you for sharing. Sometimes it's a relief to me that the kids wake up to snap me out of my grief pits with their living needs.