It's her birthday too

I'm typing this on the Kindle as I lay nursing Ethan for a nap. Everytime I've tried to get up he starts to fuss. I think he's sensing all or my emotions. He's probably overwhelmed. He's a very sweet loving child and I'm sure it's hard for him to see Mommy upset along with any feelings of his own he is unable to express.

But laying here with him is giving me some down time. Mike is in class and the house is quiet. Down time to reflect on October 28th.

And some of this reflecting is not just on Marcellus. It's also on the very special little girl born 12 years ago this day at 8:07pm weighing 6lbs 5oz. The little girl I named Angela Mae. The little girl I placed for adoption.

This is the 4th year her birthday has been overshadowed. But that does not mean I have not been thinking of her, missing her, wondering about her and wishing things could have been different. True, grieving for Marcellus has been at the forefront these last 3 years. True, most of the time I try to ignore and put off dealing with the emotions I have of placing Angela for adoption. But it's also true that I love her oh so very much.

It's just too much most of the time though (as i wrote about last year). Too much to balance. I don't have enough emotional energy left over to fill out the card I got her, right a letter, and send off her birthday present. So, yeah...it's going to be late again this year. It won't get out today, maybe it will tomorrow. Ill set the goal that by the end of the week it will go out.

I hope one day she will understand. It's not that I forget her on her birthday. It's not that I don't love her enough to get her card/present out. It's just that it being his birthday is already too much to deal with. But I wanted to let everyone know it is her birthday too. For 9 years October 28th was just her day.

Marcellus, sometimes I get so frustrated that you were born on Angela's birthday. That it is now your birthday too. That I have so many emotions to sort out for this one day. But it is your birthday and this day 3 days ago was honestly the happiest of my life. It was scary, but we were so happy to meet you and know that you were okay (because you were at the time. You were born pretty healthy for your gestation). Oh my sweet boy, how complicated this life is. Thank you for giving me the space to tell everyone it's Angela's birthday too. I will write more about your birth later after we get to celebrate you as a family. I love and miss you! Happy birthday sweet boy!!! <3 xoxox

I'm not ready

I'm not ready to say, "he'd be 3."

I'm not ready to celebrate another birthday of a little boy that isn't here.

I'm not ready to have the day that marks three years since my first son took his last breath come and go.

I'm not ready for carrot cake, our tradition for him.

I'm not ready for the flashbacks that come when I see his dates on the calendar.

I'm not ready to grieve the new firsts I should be experiencing with him at 3.

I'm not ready to buy a toy appropriate for a 3 year old that he will never play with. That we will donate instead.

I'm not ready to buy an outfit, size 3T, that he will never wear. It will sit in the closet until his little brother can fit into it.

I'm not ready for happy birthday balloons at a memorial tree and grave instead of at his birthday party.

I'm not ready to do the grieving I've been putting off . Grief that is guaranteed to not tolerate being shoved down this time of year. 

Life has been busy busy, sometimes stressful busy, but mostly good busy. But that's leaving me feel not ready to deal with Marcellus's third birthday and anniversary coming up all too quickly. But who am I kidding, would I ever be ready for the marking of another year without my first born son?!?! The answer is an obvious, NO! But I really am not feeling emotionally prepared for it this year.

Please help support me and my family during this difficult time by remembering and honoring Marcellus Robert on his third birthday. If you are wondering what you can do to show your love, here are some ideas: Light a candle, eat a cupcake (or any sweet treat), donate a toy or outfit, do a random act of kindness in his honor, let us know you are thinking of us (text, call, email, Facebook, comment here). Most of all, say his name out loud or put it in writing...Marcellus Robert. Let the world know of the little boy that should be turning three.

His birthday is this Tuesday, 10/28. On that day three years ago, he was born at 10:01am weighing 3lbs 2oz. My beautiful baby boy.

Marcellus, I know I've been busy. I haven't been writing. Work and your little brother take pretty much all of my time. But that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking of you, hurting for you, longing for you, wishing more than anything you were here. I have been doing all of that. I just haven't had the time to release it. It is there though. The grief. The heartache. The missing and loving you with everything I have, always there. If you were alive you would be turning three on Thursday...three! How is that?!? But you didn't live. So we will do the best we know how to honor you on your birthday. We will go to your tree, Grandma will go to your grave. We will have pizza and eat cupcakes. Most of all we will miss you, we will cry for you. We will make sure the world knows how much we love you. Because we love you so so so much, sweet boy. So very much! I wish you were here. The words, "I miss you," don't even come close to touching how much my heart and soul long for you. I love you right up to the moon, and back!!!!!! xoxox.