I'm typing this on the Kindle as I lay nursing Ethan for a nap. Everytime I've tried to get up he starts to fuss. I think he's sensing all or my emotions. He's probably overwhelmed. He's a very sweet loving child and I'm sure it's hard for him to see Mommy upset along with any feelings of his own he is unable to express.
But laying here with him is giving me some down time. Mike is in class and the house is quiet. Down time to reflect on October 28th.
And some of this reflecting is not just on Marcellus. It's also on the very special little girl born 12 years ago this day at 8:07pm weighing 6lbs 5oz. The little girl I named Angela Mae. The little girl I placed for adoption.
This is the 4th year her birthday has been overshadowed. But that does not mean I have not been thinking of her, missing her, wondering about her and wishing things could have been different. True, grieving for Marcellus has been at the forefront these last 3 years. True, most of the time I try to ignore and put off dealing with the emotions I have of placing Angela for adoption. But it's also true that I love her oh so very much.
It's just too much most of the time though (as i wrote about last year). Too much to balance. I don't have enough emotional energy left over to fill out the card I got her, right a letter, and send off her birthday present. So, yeah...it's going to be late again this year. It won't get out today, maybe it will tomorrow. Ill set the goal that by the end of the week it will go out.
I hope one day she will understand. It's not that I forget her on her birthday. It's not that I don't love her enough to get her card/present out. It's just that it being his birthday is already too much to deal with. But I wanted to let everyone know it is her birthday too. For 9 years October 28th was just her day.
Marcellus, sometimes I get so frustrated that you were born on Angela's birthday. That it is now your birthday too. That I have so many emotions to sort out for this one day. But it is your birthday and this day 3 days ago was honestly the happiest of my life. It was scary, but we were so happy to meet you and know that you were okay (because you were at the time. You were born pretty healthy for your gestation). Oh my sweet boy, how complicated this life is. Thank you for giving me the space to tell everyone it's Angela's birthday too. I will write more about your birth later after we get to celebrate you as a family. I love and miss you! Happy birthday sweet boy!!! <3 xoxox